Something old, something new
(by Kimbre)
“Mommy, stop! Please!” Reilly was overcome with giggles as her mother resumed the relentless tickling of her five year old daughter.
Roma had not been needed on the set today, so she and Reilly had spent a valuable day just playing together and the evidence of that was apparent. Toys were strewn out over the living room floor, as well as the remains of a cheese pizza, which was the little girl’s favorite. Reilly was still clad in her pajamas even at five ‘o clock in the afternoon, as was her mother. The day had been precious to Roma and the actress wasn’t even sure if she had ever been permitted such a luxury. With fame came responsibilities and it seemed that there was always something she needed to accomplish. Yes, she almost always took Reilly with her, but it wasn’t the same as having a day when she didn’t have to be anywhere.
The little actress stopped the sweet torture on her daughter and grinned at her as Reilly caught her breath. Then the child curled up against her mother, and looked up at her with somewhat concerned eyes.
“What is it, poppet?” Roma asked, knowing that with her daughter’s current expression usually came a torrent of questions.
“Mommy, why didn’t my daddy love me?”
Roma’s breath caught in her throat. She supposed that the day would come when Reilly would question why things were the way they were, but with John now living with them, she had assumed that day was still a long way into the future.
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” She began softly, stroking Reilly’s curly hair, “But it wasn’t anything you did or your fault at all.”
“But aren’t daddies s’posed to love their daughters?”
“Yes, poppet, they are,” Roma answered quietly. They weren’t supposed to hurt their wives either, but David had really done very little the way he should have.
“He used to be mad at you a lot, didn’t he, mommy?” Reilly peered up at her mother, not really liking the pained look that appeared on her mother’s face at her question and wishing she hadn’t asked it.
“You dad has a lot of problems, Reilly. He had problems that I couldn’t fix for him and neither could you,” Memories were threatening to overtake her, and Roma knew she needed to end this conversation, “Tell you what, little girl, why don’t you head upstairs and get dressed for dinner. We certainly can’t have you eating dinner in the same clothes you wore to bed last night!”
Reilly emitted a tiny giggle as she jumped to her feet, “Okay,” She started sprinting for the stairs and then turned around to look at her mother once more, “I love you, mommy.”
Tears threatened the actress’ eyes as she managed a smile, “I love you too, kitten.”
Once Reilly had gone upstairs, Roma moved to the couch and buried her face in her hands for a few moments. She rarely ever allowed herself to think about those painful memories of David’s abuse, but Reilly’s questions had brought it all back. She shivered slightly, remembering his physical abuse and the unbearable pain he would cause her once the lights were turned out at night. Her life had been a living hell; one she thought she would never escape from, and in moments like these, she felt as if she were still caught up in the horror of it.
The sound of the front door opening, propelled her to her feet as her panicked eyes scanned the disastrous living room, cluttered with toys, paper plates and crumbs. He hated to come home to a messy house. She had let time slip away from her and now there just wasn’t time to clean it all up. Moving to her knees, Roma started to frantically pick up the toys, placing them in the wicker basket where they belonged.
“Roma?”
His voice was questioning and her voice trembled as she answered, though she never looked up from her task, “I’m sorry….Reilly and I were….I’m sorry,” Her hands flew to grab the last few toys and then she placed the lid on the basket before grabbing up the paper plates and shoving them inside the pizza box, “I didn’t mean to forget….”
John frowned, not understanding at all what was happening, but having a feeling she was caught up in something from the past. He approached her carefully and reaching down, he caught her gently by the arm, his heartbeat increasing when she cried out in fear.
“Roma, baby, it’s me,” He pleaded, pulling her to her feet to take her face firmly in his hands. He watched as her fear was replaced with confusion for an instant, and then a moment later, she had flung herself full force into his waiting arms.
“John…” She murmured tearfully up against his chest, “It’s you. Thank you, God….thank you.”
“Of course it’s me, angel,” He whispered, stroking her hair soothingly, “Who else would it have been?” He already knew the answer. Though her life with David was nearly two years in the past, something had caused it to resurface. Still feeling her trembling slightly, he led her over the couch so they could sit down, keeping her cradled in his arms all the while.
“No one,” She breathed out softly, “No one else.”
He kissed the top of her head reassuringly, as he surveyed the still slightly cluttered room, “It looks like two people had a wonderful time today,” He grinned, so obviously pleased that mother and daughter had spent some quality time together.
His words caught her off guard, “We did,” She replied, and then burst into tears.
“Roma, sweetheart, please,” He pulled away to look into her face, his own expression desperate, “What is it, angel?”
She shook her head, trying to smile through the tears, “It’s just….it’s just that it feels so good to hear you say that. To hear that you’re pleased Reilly and I played together all day…”
“Roma, why on earth would I not be?” He whispered, tenderly wiping at her tears.
“David…he would get so angry if things weren’t done; if I ignored what he considered to be my duties as his wife. Things not being in their place was…just not acceptable.” She could tell he still didn’t fully understand so she continued, “Reilly was asking me why he didn’t love her. She was wondering why he was always so mad at me.”
Sympathy clouded his olive green eyes, “Oh angel, I’m so sorry.” He pulled her against his chest once more, pillowing her head under his chin, relieved that she was starting to calm. His heart ached at her pain. He loved her so much, wanted to be with her forever, wanted to marry her if only she would allow it. John knew that the thought of marriage terrified her, having been through two divorces. Even though what they shared now was more than he had ever hoped to dream, he still wanted the union of two souls before God and all their friends.
“What did you tell her?” He whispered gently, kissing the top of her head once more.
“That her father had problems we couldn’t fix,” She replied simply, only the tiny tremble in her voice betraying how deeply David’s problems had hurt her.
Pulling away slightly, he met his eyes with her own, “It’s all in the past now, Angel. For the record, I will never be angry for coming home to a messy house, because things being out of place symbolize the living and the loving that is going on here. That’s what important, Roma. Nothing else.” He wanted to add that David was biggest idiot he had ever had the displeasure of knowing, but he elected to keep that bit of information to himself.
“I love you so much, Johnny,” She whispered, a shy smile forming on her lips, “You always chase away all the bad memories.”
“And I always will,” He added before kissing her tenderly on the lips.
When they finally parted, she gave a tiny sigh, “I do need to clean up however. Your little princess and I made quite the mess today.”
He chuckled softly, before standing up and pulling her up with him, “I’ll help.”
Together they began picking up the remaining papers and crayons and Roma felt a deep peace once again returning to her heart. She loved him so much, so deeply that it often took her breath away. This was one of those times.
“Uncle Johnny!”
The sound of Reilly’s voice caused them both to look up and exchange a smile, just giving John enough time to be able to catch the little girl up in his arms. It always touched his heart so deeply the way Reilly was always so overjoyed to see him, even though for months now, he had been coming home to her every night.
“How’s my little princess?” He asked with a grin, placing a kiss on her delicate cheek.
“Good! Mommy and me played all day today! We colored and ate pizza! All that was missing was you!” She hugged him tightly to accentuate her words.
“Well, next time, I’ll be sure not to miss it!”
Reilly chatted on animatedly until her mother vanished into the kitchen to throw away the pizza box. Then the little girl looked up at the actor with seriousness in her eyes.
“May I ask you something?”
John knelt down to be at eye level with Reilly, “I think you know the answer to that, honey.
Of course you can ask me anything.”
Reilly appeared thoughtful for a moment before she began quietly, “I think it makes mommy very sad that my real daddy isn’t around for me, so….I was wondering….would it be all right…” She bit her lip uncertainly giving an expression that so resembled Roma, he nearly laughed, but the moment was far too serious for laughter.
“Just say it, princess.”
A little sigh and then, “Would it be okay if I called you daddy?”
A lump of emotion immediately rose to John’s throat, as he reached to take the child’s hands, “Reilly, I’m not your real daddy. I wish I were, more than anything, but I’m not.”
“I know, but you’re my real daddy in all the ways that matter, Uncle Johnny. A real daddy reads to you at night, and kisses your boo boos to make them all better. A real daddy plays with you and loves you and makes you safe. You do all those things.” Her little face was so earnest that it nearly took his breath away and it was quite obvious that she had put a lot of thought behind her reasons.
“Reilly Marie,” He uttered when he could finally speak, “I do love you and I will always do all those things for you. I promise. But….what you’re asking me, even though I want it with all my heart, would have to be up to your mom.”
“Her mom says its okay.”
The sound of Roma’s voice caused John to turn his head to see her standing by the door, tears streaking her cheeks, which she was trying valiantly to wipe away, “Roma?”
She sniffled and then approached the two of them. Reilly was looking up at her with a face full of hope and John still had worry written all over his, “You are her father, Johnny. You always have been, from the moment she was born. I know now that it takes more than conception to be a parent and Reilly is right; you’re the one who has always done the things a father should do for her. No one else. Just you.”
Though the words touched John deeply, Reilly never gave him the chance to comment on them, “Then he can be my daddy, mommy? My real and true daddy?”
“Yes, poppet. If it’s okay with him, it is more than fine by me. Really, it’s the way it should be.” Her dark eyes held John’s misty gaze, a wealth of understanding passing between them.
“YAY!” Reilly cried out gleefully as John scooped her up in his arms and covered her little face with kisses, “I love you, Uncle….Daddy!”
“Uncle Daddy, huh?” John chuckled, hugging her tightly to him.
“Well, I may need to get used to calling you that,” Reilly grinned and then she further shocked the two adults with the depth of her perception, “But it’s what you’ve always been in my heart.”
“And in my heart, you’ve always been my little princess daughter,” He replied, eyes shining with tears, “Now, how about I take both my beautiful princesses to a special meal to celebrate?” He raised a teasing eyebrow in Roma’s direction, “That is, if your mom will finally change out of her pajamas.”
Roma blushed and Reilly laughed before dashing back upstairs to get her coat and Alice. Then John wrapped his arm around the little actress and kissed her tenderly, “Though you are lovely in whatever you chose to wear.”
“Thank you, Johnny. What you just did for Reilly…it means so much to her…to both of us. It feels so right.” She tilted her head back to look up into his loving eyes.
He hesitated only briefly before replying, “Of course it feels right. The three of us were always meant to be a family and…one day, I’d like to make it all official.”
John could instantly see the mix of emotions that flashed in Roma’s dark eyes; fear, desire, longing, hesitation. He knew all her fears; that somehow the incredible relationship between them would go horribly wrong if they got married. In his heart, John knew that would never happen, but he was not about to belittle Roma’s fears. After all David had done to her, John was damn lucky the little actress was sharing a bed with him. She was so courageous, and he knew that eventually, she would overcome this one last emotional obstacle.
“Angel,” He said softly, his hands framing her face gently, “You know what I want, and you know I am not ever going to pressure you to marry me. Just know that the offer always stands, just as soon as you are ready.”
She bit her lip worriedly, just as little Reilly had done not so long ago, “Johnny, I’m sorry. I wish…” But his finger against her lips silenced her.
“No apologies, baby. I have absolute faith that one day, you will be ready to take the next step.”
“I hope that God is listening to those prayers, Johnny,” Roma uttered tearfully, wishing more than anything that she didn’t feel so horribly afraid of getting married again.
“He does. But it wasn’t faith in God I was referring to,” John smiled, his thumb brushing lightly over her bottom lip, “It’s faith in you.”