Some things just never change...

By Kim, Gaby and Deyse

(Roma's POV...)

Some times you just ask how have you made it through the years that had followed to some nice good years of your life. It's hard to look back and see what you used to do in the past and that you don't do anymore... but it's even harder to look back and feel you missed something... Or you spoiled something... Or you made a wrong decision... Time is not something you can fix as you indeed can do with many other things. As much as you try, what you do is done in the next second and there is no turn back.

And how I would love to turn back in many, many things...

It's been already three years since there was a big change in my life, and it wasn't just my decision. Touched by an angel was over in 2003 and I left Monica, the angel behind... only that I also left many other things I didn't know how much I would miss. After the mess of my divorce of David Anspaugh while I was still filming, I was involved with a couple of men more, and still was with one of them when the show was cancelled. That was what didn't allow me to realize what I was losing, what I was leaving behind once Monica's friends disappeared leaving her alone in the desert.

I was leaving my heart in that desert.

Mark and I just stayed together for about a year more, then we separated. Truth to be told it wasn't as difficult as it was with David, it wasn't a big scandal, no magazine knew about it and there was not a single word about our rupture in the newspapers, but it doesn't mean it was less painful. It left me feeling I didn't deserve to be loved, that no man found me worth loving.

There was only one man that loved me. But I had left that man behind on a desert road. And from that day on, I hadn't had a word of him, except for a card on my and Reilly's birthdays, Christmas or Thanksgiving, and for the news about his films. I had turned my back on him with Monica, and he had turn his back on me too. He had moved on his own life.

I thought about moving back to Salt Lake City after my break up with Mark. Knowing he lived only a few houses away was painful, specially when I happened to see his car passing by the street for no other reason that he had to pass by my house to get the main avenue. I used to love that house because it was by the sea shore and it made me think of Ireland and the sunsets I watched when I was a little girl. Salt Lake was in the middle of the mountains, miles away of the sea, but it was full of memories I now hung to so I didn't start crying my eyes out. I had kept my old house there, the house I had when I was filming there, it was the house where my daughter had grown up.

It was also Reilly who determined our moving back to Utah, she just never get used to Californa's way of life, too fashion-styled for a girl that had grown among adults who wanted to always protect her from paparazzi and the media. Many times I had found her crying in her bedroom after school for her classmates had made fun of her because she didn't like to go out to malls and movies with the rest of them afraid of being surprised by a paparazzo who wouldn't stop until she explained her what her mother's plans were. That never happened to her back in Salt Lake, and although she never complained about it, I wanted to give my babygirl that peace back.

It was hard to say good bye to Della and Franklin, who had in fact become my foster parents and Reilly's foster grandparents. As they grew older they retired to their ranch in California and weren't in the mood of long, frequent trips as they used to do back when filming TBAA. We promised we would visit them as much as school allowed Reilly and they helped us by sending us the things we couldn't take at first with us.

A weird, though nice sense of peace invaded me when we first stepped on our old house. It was as if all of a sudden I knew we should have never left, as if many things wouldn't have been wrong if we had stayed, but what mattered at the time was that we were back. Reilly ran to her old bedroom, taking Alice, her old teddy bear, to set her in the middle of her old bed. I was back home and so was my daughter. She was back to the place where she had had many happy moments in the seven years she lived here. She's ten now and she's become a very smart girl. She seems to know me as nobody else, sometimes I even wonder if she can't read my mind, 'cause now and then she mentions her “uncle Johnnie” just in time to warm my heart but not as often for me not to be able to hide the tears that will follow his memory.

We moved back six months ago. Little by little I'm getting used to a simple routine: wake up early to fix Reilly's breakfast and see her to take the bus to go to school, then wait for Julie, our old nanny who gladly came back to us, so we both prepare lunch and dinner. I took one of the empty bedrooms to make me a studio and now I'm painting a lot, I've even sold some of my paintings for good money, not that we don't have any now, but it also gives me something to do. And when my baby is back in the afternoon, I help her with her homework and comb her hair so she goes to her ballet lesson. I'm a full time mother now, and I'm happy.

I only wish my heart felt full too.

John’s POV

I had come to the decision that I hated Hollywood. It was either that, or I was still spoiled from my years in Salt Lake City while filming “Touched by an Angel”. Salt Lake had been much more peaceful with far fewer reporters and that had suited me just fine. Now, every time I turned around, it seemed that a flash was going off, temporarily blinding me and because I would refuse to comment, many of the reporters chose instead to make up their own news about me. Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate my fans, even though most of them still know me as Andrew; it’s the reporters who are so annoying. They never ask permission to snap their cameras in my face and yet they still expect me to exude nice southern boy charm. I do my best.

My latest film had just wrapped up and I had nothing coming down the pike, other than a bit of a rest. Three years ago, finding myself unemployed for the first time in eight years, had lit a fire under my tail. I was in no way ready to be a “has been” so the quest for more work began almost immediately.

Well, that’s really only the half of it. See, there was this girl…woman…that I needed to forget about as quickly as I could because holding onto her was going to bring me nothing but heartache. Throwing myself into work was the easiest way to put her behind me, so that’s what I’ve done for the past three years. But now I’ve worked myself almost to the point of exhaustion. I’m tired. Three years with no real vacation had taken its toll on me, so I intended to do next to nothing for the next six months. I needed time to recover from the latest blow to my heart.

My last card sent to Roma Downey in honor of her birthday, had been returned to me marked “Address unknown”. She had moved and had seemingly fallen off the face of the planet. Not even the reporters had any idea of where she was or what she was doing. I know I could call Della and ask her, but let’s face it-I’ve been out of touch there as well. I know how close Della and Roma were, and I just couldn’t take the reminders of what had always been out of my reach.

Yeah, I had loved her; secretly and in silence. I had watched her horrible marriage to David Anspaugh crumble to the ground around her, had dried many a tear that had fallen from her doe-like brown eyes, and had devoted myself not only to Roma but to her daughter, Reilly, as well. Somehow, in the midst of all this friendship, I found myself falling in love with her, but I knew after all she had been through, it was not anything she would be able to deal with. So, I had waited. I had waited myself right out of her life when the show ended. I had clung to her in the desert desperately, knowing that as soon as I let go, as soon as the wrap up party was over, she would be gone.

I had been right.

I’ve dated some since then. A few girls I’ve even been almost serious about, but it never seems to last and it is more me than them breaking things off. Let’s face it, when a piece of your heart has belonged to someone else for eleven years now, it’s difficult to give of yourself completely to anyone else.

I’ve been toying with the idea of vacationing back in Salt Lake. I’m so anxious to leave California for awhile and though I could go home to Mississippi, not even that appeals to me right now. So those thoughts are what had taken me to the waterfront; just a need for a little peace in order to make a decision. I browsed the different vendors, hoping to not be recognized, as I looked at different crafts and blankets, quilts, watches; a plethora of treasures for any tourist. Some of the vendors were more upscale, selling valuable items or works of art and there is where it caught my eye.

I approached the oil painting slowly, as if being reverted back in time. The desert sand, the mountainous backdrop, the crisp blue sky; it was as if I were standing there filming once more in Salt Lake, filming the final episode of TBAA. I could barely take my eyes off the painting.

“¿Sí, diga?” The proprietor grinned at me, sensing my interest.

Though I knew very little Spanish, (about as much Spanish as Kim knows! HA!) I made my best attempt, “Sí… ¿Cuánto cuesta, por favor?”

I listened to the asking price as I continued to gaze at the painting. The image was captured so beautifully and though I know very little about art, there seemed to be a passion about this piece. I knew I had to have it. Reaching for my wallet, I then thought to scan the painting for the artist’s signature and finally found it in the lower left hand corner. My heart nearly stopped beating.

I’d know that signature anywhere.

***

The house is silent now, and I don’t like it. An empty house means a mind full of memories – most of them, memories of happy moments that will never come back, I’m afraid. Julie has gone to pick Reilly up at school and what comforts me now is to see how happy she is to be back at the same school she studied when she was younger. The happiness with which she talks about her little friends and the teachers she never forgot puts my sad heart at ease.

At times like these I walk around the house, wishing that time would pass quickly and that my little daughter entered through the front door with her usual cheerfulness, holding me tightly and telling me how her day was. I’m in her bedroom now, looking at a few toys and objects she left over the bed. One special toy calls my attention: Alice, her inseparable teddy bear, given by her dear “uncle Johnny” or “Papa Bear” on the day she was born. John loved my daughter since the first time he lay his eyes on her – maybe even before that, when he would caress my belly in between filming intervals and talk to my little baby. He was her real father, the only one loving father Reilly had ever known and now my heart aches with guilt as I let him go away from our lives.

I sigh deeply and avert my eyes from that toy, scanning the other objects over the bed. Only then I realize she forgot her little appointment book, where she writes down all the test and project days. Smiling at the cute Disney pictures on its cover, I stand up to place it on her desk when something inside its pages falls on my lap. It was a photograph and when I see it my eyes are immediately filled with tears – during a break on Touched by an angel filming, John was carrying my three year old Reilly on his shoulders, both smiling broadly and looking like father and daughter.

It still sounded strange not knowing where he was when there was a time of our life we used to spend practically all the days of the week together, either at work or here, in this very house. Thinking at how close we came to be and then at how easily I let him walk out of my life hurts terribly. I wonder what he is doing at this very moment and it’s then that I hear Reilly’s voice right beside me. “You miss him too, don’t you, mommy?”

I look back and see her standing right next to me, I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t realize she was there. “I... I didn’t know you had it with you, sweetie...”

“I found it when we were packing our things to move here and... I was afraid of not having anything to remember uncle Johnny...”

Those words broke my heart and I had to struggle not to cry again. Reilly was not the only one who kept that kind and gentle man inside her heart. “Oh, angel...” I said, gently caressing her soft hair, now tied up in a ponytail.

“You’re sad too, right?”

“I... I miss him too, sweetie...” I could not hide the sadness that suddenly filled my heart then. It was stronger than me.

“Can’t we see him again?”

I look at her sweet brown eyes, shining with hope, “I don’t know, sweetie... Someday... I do hope someday...” And then I stand up, telling her to have a shower so that she can eat the delicious cake I made for her. Reilly obeys me immediately but I know that deep inside my little one is feeling the same I am.

It seemed a part of us was missing.

At night, after I put Reilly to bed, I walk over up to her desk and take her appointment book once again. The picture causes me opposite emotions: a mix of sadness and happiness I’d never experienced before. I caress his handsome face and stifle a sob, remembering all those times he was the one stroking my face or holding me tightly; either in the happy or sad moments. I place the photograph in the exact same place I found it – I know my little daughter keeps it like a treasure, exactly the same way she does with Alice or with the cards he sent her over the years we’ve been apart. Then I leave the room, carefully not to wake Reilly up, and then head to my own bedroom, hitting the bed with my heart heavy with sorrow.

I guess I rolled over in bed for about an hour or more, but as much as I tried, I never managed to fall asleep. Whenever I closed my eyes all I could see was John’s face and his bright green pools staring at me in that loving, special way. Yes, that’s what he made me feel – special. His loving presence had become second nature to me then, but I only realized it when it was too late.

I finally sat up in bed and lit the lamp on bedside table, grabbing the phone receiver right next to it. I never forgot his number – I could never have after dialing it so many times; hearing his kind voice on the other side of the line was enough to fill my heart with peace in the most difficult moments of my life. Then, moved by something I cannot explain, I dial those same numbers. My heart started to pound loudly in my chest when I hear the calling signal and I cannot think of what to say once I hear him again.

But it’s the answering machine I hear instead. He was not at home. I check at the clock and see it’s past 10.30 PM on a Friday night and then, with fresh tears, I hang up. He was surely having fun with friends or, most probably, with a girl. How pretentious of me to think that he would be there on the other side of the line waiting for my call! I even feel grateful to have called at that moment – it was certainly a warning to leave things the way they were. I would only disturb him.

I lie down again, and only exhaustion manages to cease my tears.

*****

(John’s POV)

I don’t know how many hours I spent just looking at the picture. I paid for it and almost ran to take it home. I turned the light on as soon as I arrived and placed it in the middle of the living room, leaning against the wall. I fixed myself a drink, something I normally don’t do unless I’m in a specially stressed situation. I let myself fall over the couch, my eyes glued to the scene drawn by Roma.

She was all my heart ached for. I needed her in my life just as I needed the air to breathe and it hurt to know her far away from me. When she had broken up with Mark Burnett, I had had this tiny piece of hope that I would have a chance to tell her how much I loved her… Only that she disappeared in the thin air and I had no news about her anymore. Tons of memories came back to my mind as I sipped my glass, my sight never moving out of that painting. Memories of when I first saw her, of the nights she spent crying in my arms along her process of divorce from Anspaugh, of the many scenes we filmed together, and her smiles I thought were for me… and that only now I realize were friendly smiles I shouldn’t have dreamed of…

Daylight caught me in the same position, still watching her signature in the corner. A part of me told me to stand up from that couch and get over her, go on with my life and get my things to fly to Mississippi, but I just couldn’t do that. I felt Salt Lake so full of memories of her, I felt Utah would be the only place where I would think of her close to me again. I’m just not prepared to let her go.

I stood up from my position, for the first time darting my eyes from my treasure. I went to take a shower and left the house to drive without any destination in mind. I ended up in Santa Monica and I passed some places that used to be so familiar to me, to us… Reilly’s elementary school, her favorite place to buy ice cream, the park where she had learned to drive a bike during TBAA filming vacations… I didn’t know how I had ended up in there, and my heart started to beat faster with my next thought: cross that park, walk one street ahead and then turn to the left up to the next corner. All of a sudden I was there, walking towards that white house I knew so well, my heart pounding loudly inside my chest.

I stopped on the opposite walking side, watching at the scene in front of my eyes. I don’t really know what I was expecting to find, perhaps in my mind I thought visiting those old familiar places would take me back in time, when this pain was not permanent in my heart… But my illusion broke the moment I saw those men working on the house, walking from here to there with cans of paint and ladders. It was obvious a new family was moving to the house.

New images started to come to my mind: children running on the gardens with a barking dog following them, a father parking his car after a long day at job, getting a warm reception among laughter and dirty little hands pulling at jackets and pants for him to join their games… and a mother cooking the most delicious dinner she could manage and that would certainly taste wonderful because it was made with love… And as my mind went on, my heart started to ache more and more: the new mother in that house was not Roma, the kid was not Reilly… I in no way was that father pulling the car off to go back to his family, to the arms of the woman that gives sense to his life…

All the weight of my life having no reason to continue hit me when I heard a ring phone inside. I turned my back to the house and walked away quickly: I am not ready to let go of the only memories that keep me on my feet, that have become like the threat that joins me with life and sanity…

I went back home to my observing position, my eyes were once more fixed to that painting, there was another glass of whisky in my hand. I didn’t move again until darkness fell and I could no longer distinguish the silhouettes in her drawing. An idea was again playing on my mind: call Della, call to her house and ask her how is everything going.

She was happy to hear me, I could tell for the way she greeted me, calling me Love juice like in the old times. She asked me why I had disappeared, why I hadn’t gone to visit her when she had been like my mother all the years we worked together. I missed her and her constant demonstrations of love, I missed the life I had before I became a “the one who played…” We talked for some minutes about our own lives, about our projects, until her name came into scene. “Della, and what about Roma?” I asked matter-of-factly.

“She moved away…” she replied after some long seconds. I didn't say a word more. I hung up the phone without saying good bye.

My next move became clear at that very moment. I walked to my room to pick up only the most necessary things, took a taxi to the airport and bought a one-way ticket... to Salt Lake City.

*****

(Roma’s POV)

“Mom, Kara’s mom is here to pick me up!”

The sound of my daughter’s sweet voice drove me from my reverie and propelled me to my feet, “Kara? Reilly, where-.”

“The slumber party, mom, remember?” Reilly gave her curly head a little shake as she grabbed her sleeping bag and small suitcase, and then hurried over to kiss my cheek.

The slumber party. Of course. Reilly had been looking forward to it all week, but somehow it had slipped my mind, “Of course, sweetheart. Have a good time, okay?” I hugged her quickly before she bolted out the front door and I watched as she ran down to the curb, already chatting animatedly with Kara and her mother.

My little girl was growing up and the thought didn’t sit too well with me, especially now that I was suddenly facing a Friday night and Saturday alone. This was just not how I had envisioned my life. I was supposed to be married, and I was supposed to have at least one more child. Someone was supposed to be in love with me. Maybe even someone like John, had I only given him a chance.

My heart continued to ache every time I thought about him and how close I had come to finding him again. Last week, I had called to catch up with Della and she had told me that John had called her two weeks ago. I had nearly stopped breathing at the news, until I realized that Della had obeyed my instructions to not let anyone know where I was now. My intention with that request was to keep reporters at bay, but never in my wildest dreams would I have considered that John would have called Della and asked about me.

I’d struggled not to burst into tears when my friend confessed to having forgotten to find out where John was living now. All I could think was that he had been so close and had somehow slipped through my fingers once more.

I pulled myself out of the terrible memory, and wiped at the tears in my eyes. Feeling sorry for myself would not make things any different, so I needed to find something else to occupy my mind. I felt too lost to paint, so I wandered over to the computer and booted it up.

I had strict rules for Reilly when it came to the computer and my daughter knew that I followed up on her. There were too many internet predators out there all too eager to prey on young girls and my daughter would not be one of them. At first, it had felt like snooping, but I never read her emails. I only checked that I knew the addresses that were coming and going through our email program. I filtered through the Sent Mail now and my hand froze on the mouse at seeing the address.

Reilly had sent a message to the John Dye Fan Club.

My curiosity got the better of me as I clicked on the email, my heart beating wildly as I read my little girl’s message:

Hi,

I don’t know if you can help me or not, but I’m trying to get in touch with Mr. Dye. I don’t know if you have any direct interaction with him, but if you do, could you tell him that someone is looking for him? My mom doesn’t like me giving out my name over the computer, so if you just tell Mr. Dye that someone is looking for her “Papa Bear” he’ll know and can email me back.

Thank you,

Reilly had simply signed her first initial, and as I starred at the letter, I felt tears drift down my cheeks. I wasn’t the only one missing John; Reilly was every bit as lonely for him as I was. I had no idea if the fan club had any contact with John anymore, but if they did, he would immediately recognize the old nickname of “papa bear” that Reilly had given him so long ago.

God, I missed him so much! I missed everything about him. His smile, the way he held me so protectively in his strong arms, the way his cologne smelled, the way he had with Reilly from the time she was a baby. He had always been there for us and there had been moments when I’d been sure he felt something more than friendship for me, but at the time I had been too afraid to act on that thought. The pain of my marriage to David had been too great to even consider trusting another man with my heart. I had wasted so much time and John had been there every moment; the times when my tears felt like they would never end, the times I just didn’t want to be alone or needed someone to lean on. He had been there for all of it and in return, when the show had been over, I had just walked away.

Truth be told, my heart had been broken at the time. The show had meant everything to me; it was my life and all my friends were there and to say goodbye to it had been the most difficult thing in the world for me. I hadn’t wanted to prolong the pain, so I had just gone away and made a clean break. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now there was nothing I regretted more.

Getting up from the computer, I walked into the den, my gaze centering on one picture I loved from a photo shoot years ago. John and I were both laughing and Della was smiling, as if she knew something that neither of us knew. I could see the twinkle in his green eyes and could almost feel the warmth of his arms around me.

I starred at the picture until tears blurred my vision once more. It was too late. He could be anywhere and he could be with anyone, and the latter hurt so much more. I think I would rather not know where he was than to know his location and know that his heart now belonged to someone else.

Just before I forced myself to turn away, I reached out a finger and touched John’s face in the picture, once again memorizing every detail.

“I miss you.”

***

(John’s POV)

Two weeks after I moved back to Salt Lake, my personal objects were finally delivered this afternoon, along with the furniture and a few items I had bought a few days ago. I didn’t need much, just the basics to have a decent and inhabitable home. I have always been a bachelor and grew used to cooking, cleaning and doing things by myself. It might be a dream for many guys but for me it had become a sad, depressing reality. At my age, I should be married to a beautiful, loving woman and raising one, maybe two cute little children who would jump into my arms, happily greeting me every time I got home, exactly like I had pictured many times with Roma being my wife and Reilly being my dear baby daughter.

I had hung my precious picture on the living room wall, so that I could have a permanent look at it. Having that picture with me meant having at least a fragment of Roma in my life, as if I could really feel her presence inside my house, and I cling to it desperately. I took some long minutes just staring at it and then looked around, finally aware of the arrangements made in my new house. After a quick dinner, I sat at my desk and turned my laptop for the first time since I moved. It wasn’t a surprise to see that my mail box was practically full, though most messages were internet trash. Five pages of spams, from senders that I had no idea who were and that I would just delete without checking.

I was about to delete the last 20 messages when one of these, on the top of the page, drew my attention: it was a forward message from my agent. I still can hear him saying that I was crazy to leave California where I could have lots of job opportunities to move back to Salt Lake. I clicked on it and saw that, along with the forwarded message, he’d written a small note, as if trying to persuade me into changing my mind.

To be honest, I cannot say that I hope you’re enjoying it there, because your place is right here! And I’m writing to let you know that maybe there’s a character for you by the end of this summer. And the forwarded message is just to prove you that your fans are still waiting for you.

The message he was referring to was from my official fan club, and along with it there were lots of small messages sent by fans from every part of US and even from other countries. Most of them were mentioning the angel Andrew, but others also made reference to some of my other works on TV, and, although they wouldn’t make me change my mind, at least they made me smile. I was about to delete it when two words in one of those messages called my attention and made me freeze:

Hi,

Thank you,

“Papa bear” – nobody used to call me like that except for my dear Reilly, the little girl who would always have a place in my heart as the daughter I never had. On my mind, immediate images of the little baby girl who used to grin at me whenever she saw me, or let me be the only one to rock her to sleep other than her mother. I’ll never forget Reilly’s trusting look at me when I taught her how to ride a bike, or when I placed her on my lap and read “The jungle book” for her during the TBAA filming breaks. Her curious little eyes and constant questions about the world around her enchanted me and I was, along with Roma, the one to answer to them, like a loving father would do.

I knew she had written that message at the moment I lay my eyes on it and my first reaction was to pick up the phone and dial my agent’s number and ask him who was in charge of the fan club and how I could get in touch with that particular fan. And that’s exactly what I did but he wasn’t at his office and his cell phone was apparently off. I sighed with impatience and, walking along the living room, ran my hand through my hair trying to figure out where in this world Roma and Reilly were. I even thought about Ireland and the possibility of Roma going back to her hometown to live with her brother and sister.

It didn’t matter, though. I’d gladly go around the entire planet to find them. And knowing that my little angel was looking for me, that she was missing her “uncle Johnny” only gave me more courage to go on trying to find them.

***

Roma’s POV

I open my eyes to find a pair of shining green eyes looking at me with all the love of the world reflected in them. My heart beat speeds until I’m sure I will have a heart attack. “He’s back, he’s back!” my mind is screaming and I don’t dare to reach to touch him. Now that I see him standing right in front of me, reality hits me hard: I miss him, I love him, I need him, all of him, all he can give me. I was a fool for letting him go the way I let him go. My heart seems to have stayed in the desert, stuck in the last moment we spent together. How many nights I’ve recall those moments when he held me tight and I felt perfect in all senses, when I felt so loved and cherished as I have never felt before or after that moment. “John…” I murmur, and in his eyes I see he can hear the longing in my voice, all those feelings that remain buried deep inside my heart. I need to touch him, I need to feel his arms around me to give a sense to my life again. He’s so close that I can feel his breath over my face. I reach my hand to touch his cheek, but my fingers seem to penetrate his flesh before he disappears into thin air and I open my eyes to the bright light of the early morning.

It took me a long minute to realize I was dreaming and to remember where I was. I wasn’t in California but back to Salt Lake, and I was alone. For a moment, all my old fears came back and I found suddenly too difficult to breath. It was as if I had come back in time and I was feeling again threatened by my ex husband, when danger seemed to be all around taking the form of someone I had once loved a lot. I forced myself to breath slowly and let my mind to regain control of my emotions. Only that this brings back the feeling of sadness that is permanent in my heart.

As Reilly was spending the night at her friends, I stayed in bed a long time, staring at an invisible point in a wall, letting my mind drift from memory to memory. When I turned back to pick up the ringing phone, I looked at the clock marking 11:00 am, but it couldn’t matter me less. It was Reilly, calling to ask for my permission to have lunch with her friends, so now I faced a lonely afternoon as well.

I finally stood up and got dressed. I wasn’t in the mood to prepare breakfast only for me, so I left the house and walked up to a little coffee shop a few blocks away where I found a table by the last corner of the place. I asked for a cappuccino and a cake, only to pay for the chance to stay there, unknown. I stayed looking at the street, at the people passing by, imagining what their lives were like, torturing myself with the thoughts of everyone being happier than me.

Then I saw him.

Or at least I think I saw him. I’m sure I would recognize his silhouette every where in this world, so when I saw that short deep blond hair and had a glimpse of his profile, I felt my heart beating wildly. Could it be possible he was here, in Salt Lake too? What would he be doing here? I stood up in a hurry to look through the window, and I saw him again, walking by the corner. I move to leave, crashing against the table and the chairs, not caring about the faces looking curiously at me. Who would expect a full grown woman to leave in a hurry to run after someone who was not supposed to be in that city? I may have looked like a silly teenager, but I ran to the cashier, paid for my uneaten cake and left the shop.

I ran towards the corner, I passed by people looking at me and crossed the street not turning to see if there was a car coming until I heard the sound of a car horn. I arrived to the place where I had seen him. He wasn’t there. The park had made him disappeared. There was no way I could follow him anymore and I couldn’t go on, asking the people around if they had seen “Andrew, the angel of death” passing by.

Yet my heart was telling me I wasn’t wrong.

He was near by me. I knew that.

John’s POV

The week passed uneventfully, as I waited impatiently for a response from my agent about Reilly’s email. I had even spent last Saturday wandering around Salt Lake City, just praying for a quick glance of Roma or Reilly, still hoping against hope that they were here in Utah.

Sunday morning, I went to church, enjoying the contemporary worship service in the little sanctuary. But during the meditations, my prayer was a mantra: Let me find her. Let me find her. Let me find her.

Arriving home, I booted up the computer and scanned my email, my heart instantly catching in my throat as I saw an email titled, “Fan information you requested.” Clicking to open the message, I finally saw it; Reilly’s email address and I had to smile at her address: littleangel@gmail.com. That’s what Reilly had always been to me; a little, sweet angel…just like her mom.

I hesitated only briefly before I began typing:

Reilly,

It’s John. It’s John. The fan club forwarded your email to me, though they had no idea who you were. But I did. Reilly, I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve missed you and how long I’ve been looking for you and your mom. Where are you living now? I recently relocated back to Salt Lake for a change of scenery. I’d love to see you, Reilly…to see you both.

Love,

Uncle Johnny

I stared at the email for another moment before clicking on “Send” and watching the message that contained so much fragile hope for me disappear into cyberspace. I hadn’t seen Reilly since she was seven. She’d be ten years old now. Ten. On the verge of becoming a young lady, though she had always been extremely precocious and intuitive.

My fingers drummed on the desk, before I got up to go and make myself a cup of coffee. It would be senseless to spend the afternoon waiting in front of the computer, I tried to reason. But it was like gravity that pulled me back to it fifteen minutes later, cup of coffee in my hand. The mug froze in my hand as I already saw an answer from Reilly’s email address. I sat back down quickly, coffee sloshing over the side of the mug, but I didn’t care. I clicked to open the email.

Uncle Johnny!

Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it’s you! I’ve missed you too, so very much and I want to see you! Mom and I are living in Salt Lake again and have been for a few months now. I love being back here, but mom…She hasn’t been the same, Uncle Johnny. Not since the show ended…not since she could no longer see you.

We were talking about you not too long ago and she said she missed you and that she hoped she would see you again one day. I could see in her eyes how sad she was and that night after I went to bed, I heard her crying in her bedroom. She seems happy a lot of the time, but I think she just acts that way for my benefit. Inside, she’s lost and often feels very alone.

Please come and see us, Uncle Johnny. Please?

Reilly had signed her name as well as given me her address and phone number. Then she followed up with a post script:

P.S. Mom will be taking me to youth group at church tonight by 6:00 and my friend’s mom will be dropping me back at home at 8:00. Mom should be home by 6:15…just in case you wanted to know.

I nearly laughed out loud at Reilly’s scheming and probably would have, had I not suddenly felt so nervous. There it was in front me, everything I had been searching for. The address and phone number of the woman I loved with all my heart. I felt an ache inside of me as I reread Reilly’s words about Roma crying, about her feeling alone. She didn’t know anyone in Salt Lake City and at least Reilly had school as a venue to make friends. But Roma was quieter and a little shy, not to mention that her marriage to David had left her hesitant to trust anyone. The dear little actress had seemingly isolated herself after “Touched” had ended, nearly vanishing off the face of the planet. But now, here she was; twenty minutes from my house.

I looked at my watch and saw that it was nearly three ‘o clock. Did I show up with flowers? No. That was far too presumptuous. Though Reilly had made it sound like Roma definitely wanted me back in her life, I had no idea to what extent. Maybe she just needed a friend and if that was the case, it was fine by me. I loved her enough to take anything she could offer me. No, a gift wasn’t necessary this time and it may just make Roma feel awkward. I had a feeling that Reilly Marie was not going to be telling her mother today that I had contacted her, as even as a child…well, a younger child, Reilly had been a bit of a dreamy-eyed romantic. Telling Roma would just spoil what Reilly hoped would be an incredible surprise. Though she hadn’t said as much, I could easily read between the lines of the email.

Sinking back into my chair, I closed my eyes for a moment, imaging Roma as I had last seen her; teary-eyed with sadness almost consuming her. Had so little changed for her since that day in the desert? If it was true, then I had been a fool to let her just walk away and I was not about to lose her again.

At six thirty, I pulled up in front of the house and sat in my car for a moment, just staring at the cottage. It looked cozy and from the outside, it suited the little actress beautifully; quaint and simple, afraid to ask too much.

There was a car in the driveway, so I knew that Roma had returned from dropping Reilly off at church. Drawing in a deep breath, I knew that it was now or never.

Roma’s POV

I’ve just left my baby daughter at the church and now that I have devoted my time entirely to her I can notice the amazing, loving person that she is becoming. Since she was a baby, Reilly has had the amazing ability to conquer the hearts of those around her with her cheerfulness and lovely manners. I can record the innumerable times when the entire cast and crew offered to carry or rock her around the studio, always fussing over her and giving her small presents. Being such a calm and easygoing child, I would frequently take her to work with me, along with Julie, her loyal nanny, and I had two opposite yet good reasons to do so.

My marriage with David was falling to pieces quickly and I was fighting to keep my baby daughter away from that horrible man. He never loved her, but she never needed him anyway. Thanks to God, my little angel girl grew up surrounded by kind, extraordinary people who loved her very much. And the second good reason why I frequently took Reilly to the Moon Water Studios was the fact that a wonderful man ended up becoming her father figure and loving her like a real daddy.

I smile when I remember how John used to rock her to sleep when she was still a little baby – and he was the only she would allow to do so other than me. Then, as years went by, Reilly would beg for me to take her to the studios so that her “Papa bear” could give her a piggy back, take her to have ice cream and hot chocolate in the studios snack bar or check her school report card. Her little eyes were always shining with happiness every time he congratulated her on her grades and on the cute drawings she would make for him and “aunties” Della and Martha.

I spent some time preparing dinner and a sudden tear rolled down my face when I thought about how happy John made our life. Even in the most difficult moments, he was the angel who would come by and make us smile, the one to cast away my sorrow and make me feel deserving and much loved, now I realize that. If only I knew he would phone Della and ask about us! I’d certainly have let her give our address and phone number, I’d surely allow him to come by and see us!

The image of the man I saw a week ago kept on torturing me for some time, but then I ended up convincing myself that it couldn’t be him – what would John be doing here in Salt Lake City? And what’s worse: somehow, deep inside my heart, I feared to see him again and find out he’d been seeing another woman. The thought of losing his love forever is so scaring that more tears fell from my eyes and I had to stop what I was doing to wash my face.

I’m happy that Reilly isn’t at home right now because I wouldn’t like her to see her mom so sad. I spent about 10 minutes in the bathroom, hoping that the water would wash away the tears that never ceased but it was almost impossible not to cry at the realization that I didn’t have John by my side anymore. A terrible sensation of panic took control over my soul at the thought that I might never see him again. There were so many losses in my life... Almost all my beloved ones have long gone and I find myself more and more alone in this world. Reilly is all I have now and there isn’t one single day I don’t thank God for sending this little angel into my life. In a way, she was responsible for my meeting John, as he was invited to take a permanent role in Touched by an angel because I was pregnant and couldn’t be in all scenes. Johnny, as Della and I used to call him, was the one other than Reilly who could bring joy and laughter into my life.

But now he too is a beloved one who is not here with me anymore.

I dried my face and managed to control myself, praying that my eyes were not as red as they were now when my daughter came back. I want to give her a happy, joyful life and make sure that she grows up in a loving environment. An idea then crossed my mind as I passed by the dining room: Reilly loves decorating the rooms, something that I can proudly say she inherited from me. She spends a long time rearranging things in her bedroom, and in mine too. So I decided to make a special decoration in the dining room – use a new table towel, the china and tableware reserved for guests (who haven’t been many). She also loves flowers so I also decided to pick a few lilacs in the front garden put them in small vases spread around the room.

Determined to prepare a special dinner to my daughter and me – and desperately trying to put some of my permanent sorrow aside, I put on a light blue sweater and left the house through the back door. Some time ago, inspired by a school project, Reilly had planted a few daisies in the backyard and she did it with so much enthusiasm that the little flowers soon started to bloom, and were now covering a good part of our garden.

I busied myself picking the small delicate flowers, trying my best not to break down and cry again with the memories that they bring back to my mind. In all those years I spent portraying the angel Monica, there was one person who would always give me flowers on every possible occasion he could think of: birthday, beginning of the season, ending of the season, Valentine’s day, Thanksgiving day, Christmas, returning from Christmas vacations... or whenever he felt I was sad and in need of a friend. Johnny was always present, and always found a delicate and gentle way to make me aware of his loving presence. Only God knows how I miss his company now. The space John Dye left in my heart no one would ever fulfill again.

I finished my task but, before I got back inside the house I decided to go up to the front yard, where lovely lilacs were blooming. Those beautiful flowers were some of the inheritance left by my most famous character and a way to remind me of all those good years I spent in the company of the people I loved so much. So I walked through a narrow corridor up to the front yard; the last sun rays making it possible to appreciate the simple but cozy home where I lived. But as I got at the front yard, the lilacs were not the first thing that called my attention.

A pair of shining green eyes were watching me, taking in every step I gave towards the small white fence that surrounded the house. I interrupted my walk in shock, not believing what my own eyes were seeing. The tall, strong silhouette standing right at the front gate would scare anyone but not me. That blond man, wearing a black leather jacket, white tee-shirt and dark blue jeans became, in a matter of seconds, the only man in the whole world to me – the only one who could make my heart stand still at one moment, and then beat erratically in my chest on the following second.

His handsome face, his tender gaze, the kind expression on his face... everything remained exactly the same as three years ago. I remember every little detail of that sad day in the desert, when we shot Touched by an angel for the last time. His strong arms protectively wrapped around my body, the tender and loving way he entangled his fingers through my hair, his tears and even the smell of his cologne would be etched in my heart forever. On that occasion, we held each other for long, silent minutes, and although nobody had the courage to interrupt us, the scene had to be cut and edited on the official version of the last episode.

And now he was there. My eternal protector and dearest friend was standing right in front of my house. I’ll never know how long I stood on the same place, paralyzed. Soon, my eyes were filled with tears, I could feel my entire body shaking, and a deep surge of emotions started to take control of my heart. Love, happiness, tenderness and fear that it could all be some kind of dream and that I might wake up at any moment were now washing over my very soul.

The fear, however, became less intense when I saw his lips curving in a warm smile. It seemed that life was smiling to me again after so much sorrow and loneliness. That kind, compassionate man was bringing the spring to my door; the sun back to my life. And deep inside, I had the feeling that things would never be the same, and slowly I spoke the name that’d been in my heart and mind for all those three painful years. The most simple, yet, the most meaningful of the names.

“John...”

(John’s POV)

I was still sitting in front of the wheel, trying to gather enough courage to knock at the door that separated me from the woman I loved the most in the world when the noise of a fence door being open made me turn. I felt my heart speed to the top the second I saw her appearing by the corner of the house. Her long auburn hair glowing under the light of the sunset, her loosen dress moving at the rhythm of her hips, her small hands grasping a bouquet of delicate daisies… She was a vision of Heaven for me, at that exact moment, I really thought she was an angel on Earth.

I left the car as fast as I could, only wanting not to show how nervous I was. I was able to regain myself enough before she looked up and saw me. I knew she didn’t expect me the second I saw the expression in her face. She opened her eyes wide for a long second, then the daisies fell from her hands as she covered her mouth… “John…” I heard her murmur, a single word that had not only a note of surprise, but also a barely restricted desire, a sound of longing and need. I saw her eyes filling with tears, she was trembling…

“Roma…” I murmured back. “Baby…” I knew my voice was as full of longing as hers, but I couldn’t control myself anymore. It was too much… Until four hours ago I was wondering if I would see her again eventually, I had rejoiced for years in the image of her I had etched to my heart. Now she was standing right in front of me, only a few steps away and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run and hold her as tight as my arms would allow me, to confess her the feelings I have always kept in my heart for her and then kiss her breathless and even go further and show her how much I loved her. And at the same time, my mind screamed not to rush things, not to pull the string so hard it would break in the minute. After the mess of her relationship with David, it was hard to interpret her reactions toward men… me included.

Yet, I couldn’t stay there, just staring at her. I was so close and had waited so long to let her go. I approached and saw how a tear finally crossed her cheek. My heart ached to swipe it, my wanting to touch her was becoming a physical pain I couldn’t stand any longer. My hands ached for the softness of her skin, so I pushed my luck and reached to cup her cheek to dry her tears.

My heart skipped a beat when I felt her leaning against my palm that it made me to fall in love all over again. That was why I loved her so much, no one had made me feel so strong, so important, no one had awaken in me such a need to protect her from everything around. “Don’t cry, Roma…” I managed to whisper brushing my thumb over her skin once more. But when she rose her eyes and looked at me, my self control disappeared in the thin air and I pulled her into a tight hug. “I’m here…” I said not controlling the sob that broke my voice. “I’m here, sweetie. Oh, baby, I so wanted to see you…”

She said nothing, only sobbed against my chest, each sob making her whole body tremble. I was unable to read her feelings beyond her hold, but the strength she put into grasping my jacket made me wish she felt what I felt for her. It had been three years since I had last seen her, but it felt like a whole century. After long minutes, I gently pulled away and wiped her tears away. “How are you?” I tried to start a common conversation: that was the only way I would stop myself from shouting out loud I loved her.

“W-what are you doing here?” she asked with trembling voice. In fact, her hands were still trembling so hard I was slightly scared. I circled her shoulders and guided her into the house, fearing it could be also the chill breeze what was making her tremble.

“I guess I could ask the same to you…” I tried to joke her to ease the tension I still felt between us. “I just got tired of Hollywood, so I decided to change the scenario for a while…”

“You are living here??” she asked in complete disbelief. “For how long?”

“Oh… I’ve just arrived…” I lied. I guess it would sound quite unfriendly from me if I told her I had been in Salt Lake City for over a month now and hadn’t done anything to visit her… had I only known she was so close. She remained silent, just looking at me. “What about you?”

“Oh… Almost six months now… We moved in time for Reilly to start the school year here… In fact…” she looked away and blushed a little, “she tried to contact you…”

“I know…” I replied smiling openly. “The fan club sent me her email, and that’s how I knew you two were here…” I blinked at her trying to help her with the surprise she had written all over her face.

“Reilly? But, when? How could she not tell me anything?!” she wasn’t mad. As well as I knew her, I could swear she was surprised in the nicest way.

“We only got in contact today. I rush here the minute I read her reply…” We had walked into the living room and taken a seat side by side. I reached to take her hand. Three years were enough for me not to feel her contact.

“She will be thrilled when she sees you! I know she has missed you badly!”

“And you, baby, have you missed me?” There was a big silent after my question. It might have been too risky to ask that, given the two intentions my question had, but I needed to know. It was taking all in my not to jump on her and kiss her until she had no doubts of what I felt for her.

The way she looked at me, so intensely, like looking deep into my soul, made my heart race to the top. It was a feeling as if my life depended on a single word she would pronounce. If she said yes, my life would have a whole new meaning and I would devote any single minute to earn her eternal love. But if she said no… then my life would have no meaning at all.

She must’ve read it in my eyes, the way she had always known how to read my eyes.

“Yes… you can’t imagine how much…” she whispered.

I didn’t know what to do next. To shout of joy, to give her a fierce hug, to pull her close and give her the kiss I so desperately wanted to give her. All I know is that I was lost in her sight, in those deep brown eyes that had always been my damnation… “Roma…” I managed to murmur in reply.

“Uncle Johnnie, you made it, you came!!!!” Reilly’s excited yell broke our moment… I was happy to see my beloved baby, so I catch her when she all but flew into my arms.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with them and even stayed for dinner. I remembered what I loved so much back at those years when we first came to Salt Lake. I knew what I had left behind that day when I held Roma at the desert and cried my soul out in the few tears I allowed my self to shed. My family.

Roma’s POV

The evening ended far too quickly for me to feel comfortable as I was still trying to come to terms with the fact that John was really here. I was even more amazed by how quickly we fell back into our old pattern of being so comfortable with one another. On one hand it seemed like no time had passed at all since we had last been together and in many other ways it was as if I had not seen John in a decade.

Reilly went up to bed at ten ‘o clock and I’d swear she floated up the stairs. My daughter was in seventh heaven to have her Uncle Johnny back with us and inside, I was sharing in her enthusiasm. Once alone again, John and I talked of our lives over the last several years and relived some favorite moments back on the set of TBAA. Before we realized where the time had gone, it was midnight.

“I shouldn’t have stayed so long, “John was apologizing once again as he shrugged on his jacket, “I know you have to be up early to get Reilly off to school.”

“It’s okay, John,” I smiled as I walked with him to the door, “It was a wonderful evening.” Inside, I was suddenly nervous. When would I see him again? The thought of him leaving was now filling me with dread.

“I’ll call you, okay,” He turned to gaze down at me and I felt my knees grow weak from the power of that stare.

I nodded my head, as his lips grazed my cheek and I had to close my eyes to savor the closeness and the warmth of his breath on my face. My heart was starting to pound erratically and I felt fear welling up inside of me, “John…”

Worried green eyes met with mine, “What is it, Angel?”

But I couldn’t think. I didn’t know how to answer him, “Nothing…just…I’m glad you found us.”

He hugged me tightly and I had to keep from sobbing against his chest, though once his car had pulled away from the house, cry was exactly what I did.

The tears found their way down my face as I got ready for bed and crawled in beneath the covers. The sensations that were going through my body were familiar though I had not felt them in quite some time; not since living with David. My body was trembling and I was struggling to catch my breath. I’d had my first panic attack as a child, when my mother had been clinging to life and since that time, when my heart felt the darkest, they resurfaced. There was nothing I could do but to wait for it to subside.

Ten minutes later, the symptoms began to become more manageable as I tried to decipher exactly what had brought on the attack. Tonight should have been a happy time and it had been, so why was I now unable to keep from crying? I had thought I had lost John Dye for good and tonight all of that had changed. For the first time in years, I had felt genuine happiness tonight, as if I were coming alive again after being asleep for years. That was when I knew…

For years, I had been fighting the unbearable loneliness that seemed to worsen each year Reilly grew older. She was gone from my life for eight hours a day for school, and then there were friends she went places with, and youth group. Every time she walked out the door, I found myself horribly alone and I hated it.

I had lost so much in my life and the final piece of belonging I’d held onto, I had left in the desert three years ago. Since that day, I had been drifting; in life and in relationships, though once Mark and I had called it quits, I had not called upon any romantic aspect of my life again. It seemed as if I was as unlucky in life as in love, so I had simply existed, for Reilly’s sake. I hadn’t even realized just how alone I had been feeling for years until John had left just minutes ago. But now, three years worth of pent up fear, sadness and aloneness poured from the depths of my soul in the way of tears. My life had been made up of goodbyes and I dreaded them now, even the simple ones.

When the telephone rang, I impulsively answered it, not wanting the sound to awaken my daughter, but my voice was laced with tears and trembling as I forced out a greeting.

“Roma?” The sound of John’s voice met my ears and I could hear the concern he was feeling, “Baby, what is it? What’s wrong?”

Years of denying how I’d been feeling longed to escape my lips in a way of denying anything was wrong at all, but the caring and tenderness in his voice caused the bottled up emotions to come spilling out from my heart in between sobs, “John…I just…it’s all been wrong…so wrong…just everything…”

He was quiet as he listened and I tried to put into words all I had been feeling; how I had struggled day to day to find a place to call my own, where I felt safe and loved, but always coming up empty. I told him how difficult it had been to be by myself since we had moved here, but that it hadn’t been much better in California, about how I felt as if I were drowning in loneliness and that for a few hours tonight, I had felt almost normal. I longed to tell him how I really felt about him, but I just couldn’t do it; I couldn’t put all of my heart out there when he had just returned to my life. For all I knew, he could be seeing someone and besides, we had always been such good friends. Maybe that was all God intended us to be.

He listened for long minutes until I grew silent other than the tears that didn’t want to end and only then did he speak, his voice soft and gentle, “Roma, open the door.”

Surprise and a glint of hope filled me as I threw back the covers and walked dazedly through the house to the front door. Opening it, he was suddenly there and his arms were around me, holding me close as fresh sobs shook my body. I barely remember him leading me to the sofa, but suddenly, I was cradled in his arms, my tears wetting his shirt.

“You’re not alone anymore, Angel,” He whispered against my hair, “It’s all right, baby. I’m here. I’m here.”

It took a long time for my tears to subside, but the entire time, John held me close, and kissed the top of my head as he whispered words of reassurance. Finally, I was reduced to nothing more than shuddering breaths as my body started to recover from the outpouring of emotions and then, despite the fact that I suddenly felt very shy and embarrassed, I heard words coming forth once more, “All my life, I’ve been afraid of being left alone. When my mother died…and then my father…when both my marriages ended and David nearly got custody of Reilly…that day in the desert, that fear…that fear of being alone, of being left behind was so overpowering and I just…I couldn’t bear it…I couldn’t bear losing my family….”

“So you left first,” He finished for me. There was no anger in his words, only the understanding I had always found in him.

“I thought it would be easier, but I was wrong,” My head remained cradled against his chest as fresh tears pooled in my eyes, “I was so, so wrong…”

John’s POV

“God... I’m so glad I finally found you, sweetie...” I said, now perfectly aware of how depressed my beloved Roma was. Ever since the moment we met again, I felt the immediate wish to tell her everything I felt about her: my love, my deep devotion, the combination of passion and tenderness, and all the loving feelings that she evoked on me. But her emotional condition tells me that at this very moment she needs a friend – the devoted friend I’ve always tried to be to her. Roma was fighting ghosts from the past and present, and at that very moment I promised myself I would be the one to rescue her from the deep sadness that had settled in her heart. It would be my one and only objective in life now. She was my priority.

But then, she’d always been.

Gently, I pulled away and searched for her sweet brown eyes. The fear in them was such that I spoke fast, not wanting to scare her more than she already was. “Angel, listen to me... I know things haven’t been easy for you, but you’re a wonderful person, Roma. You’ve made true good friends along your life; friends who love you and Reilly so much... You have a family in me and in Della and we’re here for you, I’m always here for you, I promise!”

“I... I can’t ask you to do that... to stay here because of me...”

“You’re not asking me anything... I’m here because I want to... In a way... I’m here because of me too, Angel... Because...” I had to stop talking, afraid to say too much. A sigh escaped me as I caressed her face, “... because I feel honored to be your friend, Roma.”

She blinked a few tears away and in her eyes I could see a slight reluctance, a turmoil of different emotions and I couldn’t tell for sure what they were all about. Roma motioned to say something else, but the words died in her mouth a second later and then she held me again. “Thank you, Johnny... For everything...”

I returned her embrace, kissing the top of her head repeatedly and wondering what else lied behind those beautiful sad eyes; what else she wasn’t telling me.

I reached for a blanket that had been thrown over the sofa and covered Roma’s small form with it, and then wrapped my arms around her shoulders once again. We remained there for a long time, quietly processing the events of the latest days: finding Roma’s painting, Reilly’s email, meeting her and Roma again. Never would I imagine I’d have all I had longed for in such a short time. I was about to suggest her going to her bedroom when I realized she’d fallen asleep in my arms. For a few moments, my only reaction was to stare at that beautiful woman and commit to memory every small feature of her pretty face. Then, with infinite care, I lifted her in my arms and carried her upstairs and along the corridor up to her bedroom. God, how I wish I could do this everyday for the rest of my life! I laid her on the bed and covered her with a quilt, and kissed her face before leaving the room.

****

When I woke up on the following morning the first sunrays were shining through the window and I quickly glanced at my watch. It was almost 7 o’clock and a slight smile crossed my face at the sudden realization that I had spent the night at Roma’s house. I had spent 3 years of loneliness, wondering where she was and coping with the possibility of never seeing her again. But now we were all together again, like a family, and this time things would be completely different; I would grab the new opportunity life was giving me and make Roma the happiest woman in the world, and Reilly my beloved daughter.

I pulled the quilt away and got up from the sofa, decided to start taking care of my two beloved “angel girls” at that very moment. Reilly had to go to school in an hour and I busied myself in preparing breakfast for them. Then, I gave a light knock at Reilly’s bedroom door and chuckled at the surprised expression on her face when she saw me there. Kids weren’t very fond of waking up early, especially to go to school, but on that day I was under the impression that she’d had one of the happiest mornings in her little life, judging by the sparkle in her eyes and the way she spoke my name.

When the school bus arrived to pick her up, I walked with her up to the front gate and before she entered the vehicle, she wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a tight hug. “I’m so happy you’re here again, uncle Johnny!”

“Oh, Little angel... I’m so happy I found you and your mom, sweetie...” I spoke in return, moved at the sincerity of her words.

She pulled away and blinked at me, “Promise you’ll stay?”

There was so much hope in those bright hazel eyes that I felt a lump forming in my throat, aware that the father figure she saw in me remained the same. “I cross my heart, sweetie.”

I remained by the gate and watched as she entered the school bus and waved me goodbye from inside the vehicle, smiling cheerfully at me. Then, when the bus turned around the corner I went back inside the house to wait for Roma to wake up, feeling as anxious as a teenage boy who waited for his first girlfriend, and at the same time as a man who was taking care of his family. I was exactly in the kitchen, arranging the table for the fifth time on that morning when I heard her voice and saw the confused expression on her meek and sleepy face.

“Johnny?”

“Good morning, Angel!” Smiling, I walked over up to her and kissed her forehead, and then lay a gentle hand over her shoulder. “Come on and have a seat. I prepared breakfast, and I hope I still remember your preferences...”

“Reilly...”

“Reilly had breakfast and went to school about 20 minutes ago.” I quickly informed, watching as sigh of relief escaped her.

“I overslept... It never happened before, I...”

I guided her up to the table and we took a seat next to each other, “It’s okay, sweetie, she herself told me you should sleep... And I promised her I’d keep an eye on her mom while she was at school!” As a broad, beautiful smile crossed her face I felt like I had fallen in love all over again. Unable to resist, I covered her hand with mine, “And that’s a promise I’ll be happy to fulfil!”

Roma squeezed my hand in return and then looked at me with gratitude, “Thank you, Johnny... I... I still can’t believe you’re here with us again! It’s just so...”

“... unexpected?”

“Yes... And...” I noticed as she averted her eyes from me for a moment, “... about last night, I-”

“Last night you needed a friend, Angel, and I’m honored that I was this friend.” I quickly interrupted her, determined to help her fight away the sadness that had settled in her heart. Gently, I cupped her chin up and made her look at me again, but before I said something else, she spoke first, “I’m happy that you were this friend too.”

“As I said, it was an honor.” I leaned forward and kissed her forehead once again and it was then that I noticed that same enigmatic look in her eyes. I knew her so well and usually had no trouble to reckon what was on her mind, but now... Now I couldn’t tell what lied behind those sweet doe-like eyes, though I was determined to find it out eventually.

“You really prepared a royal feast for Reilly and me, right, mister?” she was looking at the table again and then I smiled and engaged on a casual conversation with her. For my relief, she looked better than the previous night and a lot calmer. It was during the conversation that I knew Reilly wouldn’t be home for lunch, as she would have to stay with a group of friends to work a Science project presentation for the following week and I saw the chance I was looking for.

“So, fulfilling my promise to our little angel, I’m taking her mom to have lunch with me!”

“John, I... I really feel like I’m taking advantage from you, you’ve done so much already that-”

I gently raised my hand and interrupted her. “This is not taking advantage, Roma... And it would mean a lot if you could accept my invitation.”

The slight smile on her face was the answer I was expecting. “I’ll be happy to. And, to be honest, I haven’t been out since we moved...”

“We have so much to catch up with, baby...” I said, still intrigued with the slight shift of emotions I could detect in her eyes once in a while.

I had to go back home after breakfast, as I needed to shave, have a shower and return to her house a few hours later. She walked up to the front gate with me and caressed her face with tenderness. “I’ll be back soon, Angel. I just need a couple of hours.”

“I don’t even know how to thank you, Johnny...”

“No ‘thanks’, sweetie.”

Without warning, she suddenly wrapped her arms around my waist and held me tightly, and as I returned that embrace, I knew that fresh tears were already rolling down her face. “I’ll be waiting for you...” she said, and it only made me feel like not going away from her.

Only a long minute later I pulled away, grabbing her face with both hands as I leaned over to kiss her forehead, still amazed that that small caress was finally within my reach once again. “I’ll be here soon.”

***

(Roma's POV)

I emerged the bathroom and the moment I saw my image reflected on the mirror, I felt I was not the same anymore. Last night, although it had been hard and painful, it seemed like I was reborn from my ashes. I wanted to think I had back what I had been longing for so long, yet there was a part of my mind that told me not to believe so. True, John had spent all the night with me, comforting me, listening to what I could voice of all that was inside my heart... Falling asleep in his arms had left me with a sense of peace like I hadn't felt in years, since the show was over at least.

I looked at my face on the mirror and only then I realized how time had hit on me since we moved here. The dark circles under my eyes only spoke of how many nights I’ve spent without closing my eyes, and somehow my skin had a yellowish tone I didn't like a bit. Yet, just the idea of meeting John again made me felt butterflies, and for the moment I decided to enjoy the feeling I had so long put aside. I looked for a pair of jeans and a light blue jersey, and after a minute just looking at my face on the mirror, I decided on some make up. I was just done with the perfume when I heard the door bell rang. I smiled and felt like jumping when the thought came to my mind: John hadn't mentioned it last night, he said he had moved back to Salt Lake... but also he hadn't made it clear he was not attached to someone else. Just the mere thought made me shiver. But when the door bell rang again, I put it aside and smiled as I opened the door.

When I first saw him, it was as if I was seeing Andrew again, dressed in his perfect white suits, his green eyes shinning like emeralds, his smile warming my heart like only he could. “Hey...” I murmured clumsily, and I think I heard a “hi” in reply. I just couldn't take my eyes off him, I guess I must have looked like a silly teenager in front of her favorite TV star. When he asked if we could go, I snapped out to reality and looked around for my purse, allowing him to open the door of the car and treat me like in the old days.

I really hadn’t been out too much since Reilly and I moved back here, and I sadly discovered some of the old places we used to visit were now closed. We didn’t talk much on the way; I guess John must’ve read my recognizing my old places and didn’t want to interrupt me. Yet, it was a nice surprise to see him pulling the car by a cozy restaurant we visited often while filming TBAA. That was the place he had taken me to the first time he had asked me out for dinner…

“Is the place all right?” he asked and I smiled at him. “It couldn’t be better…” He was holding my hand and we were so close that I could feel his warmth reaching me. The owner was still the same and he greeted us warmly when we crossed the door. He guided us to our favorite table, one in a corner, secured from the sight of the few customers at that time of the day.

We chatted on trivial matters while we waited for our order to come. I guess spaghetti hadn’t tasted better in years for me, and it tasted so good because I noticed John looking more attentively to me than to his own food. I now realized I was praying in silence for it to be what I was thinking, that the interest he had once shown for me was still intact. “I’m glad this place is still open”, I said taking a sip of my coffee. “I so remember the nights we spent here…” I looked at his shinning eyes and my stomach twirled when he said: “I think of them every single day…”

I just looked at him for a long second, then I decided to gather the courage to ask for what I was wondering… “Why did you come back, Johnny?” I tried to sound casual and not to show how anxious I was about his reply.

I told you before, I needed fresh air…" I cannot say I wasn't disappointed on his answer, but again, what was I expecting? That he would shout he was lost in love with me?

"Oh…" I guess I showed my disappointment anyway, and he must've read it. I felt it when he added: "But the best surprise I got was finding you again… and Reilly".

He had taken my hand and I couldn't help but look at our hands joined and felt with everything on my heart his soft contact. "It was a great surprise too… You came when I needed you the most…" When I heard his breath going faster, I realized I had made a mistake. "You've always been my best friend…" I stuttered trying not to sound I was asking for him more than he was offering me. What I wanted the least was to push him away.

"That's what friends are for…" he said and I wanted to guess a certain disappointment in his voice. When he spoke again, my knees grew weak. "That's what I am for, Roma… I'll always be here when you need me…" He reached to cup my cheek and I just leaned in his touch as if I was leaning over the softest fabric. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, his face was so closed that I got lost in his green pools.

He was totally within my reach, I didn't need more than a couple of inches to do what I wanted to do the most. I could feel his breath over my skin making me shiver. I knew what was coming and what I was feeling was a mix of fear and of longing I could only compare with my very first kiss, back in Ireland. I closed my eyes and a second latter I felt his lips barely touching mine, for no more than a split second that ended as fast as it started.

When I heard him repeating softly "I'm sorry, Roma…", I realized I was wrong wanting to get back something that was never mine… It only happened to be the only thing I had been living for the last months.

John’s POV

The contact between Roma and myself had startled me. Had she leaned in or had I? The only thing I was truly sure of, was that she was obviously embarrassed and looked as unsettled as I felt.

“No, John…I’m sorry.” She murmured, her hands had withdrawn from the table in an attempt to recoil from me.

Regardless of how it had happened, I now knew that my heart’s desire would never be. She looked miserably uncomfortable now and with my own heart racing I had no idea how to lead us back onto more common ground. Knowing I had to get my emotions under control before I made an attempt to salvage our recently rekindled relationship, I laid my napkin on the table, “Roma, excuse me for a moment, please.”

“Of course,” She replied softly and I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that my temporary absence was going to come as a relief to her.

I walked through the room to the corridor that led to the restrooms, and for a long moment, I just stood there, trying to gain some perspective and understanding on just who had tried to kiss whom. All I knew was that it was suddenly happening and at that exact moment, I had come to my senses and pulled back. Surely it had to have been me who had instigated the contact and that thought made me feel like a complete idiot. The little actress had been through so much in her life, so who was I to just assume that kissing her would be permissible? It made me little better than some of the jerks she had dated, or married, in the past.

Roma was in a delicate state of mind as it was and here I had tried to take advantage of that. I felt like a fool and a complete ass.

I finally walked into the restroom to splash some cold water on my face, knowing I had to go back out there and try to fix the mess I had just made. What I didn’t expect was to find her gone when I returned to the table. A quick conversation with the owner revealed that Roma had paid the bill and then left.

“Damn it,” I muttered under my breath as I quickly walked outside into the sunshine, my eyes scanning the street for any sign of her. It was probably an hour’s walk back to her house, unless she had elected to hail a cab. I knew I just couldn’t go home and leave things as they were. Roma was barely keeping her head above water as it was.

I drove up and down the streets, searching for her to no avail before I decided to just go back to her house. But it was then that fear began to tug at my heart. Roma wasn’t at home, or at least she wasn’t answering the door, and I had a feeling she had never arrived. The mail in the box was undisturbed and there was no other evidence that she was inside.

“Baby, where are you?” I whispered aloud. Shoving my hands into my pockets, I strode back up her walkway and sat down on the swing on the front porch. I would simply wait it out.

It was actually Reilly who arrived home first, her pretty little face frowning in confusion.

“Uncle Johnny? Why are you sitting out here?” She fished in her backpack for her key as she eyed me curiously. The child was her mother all over again; from that perplexed expression to her piercing eyes.

I wasn’t sure of what to say. I certainly couldn’t admit to Reilly what had happened at lunch, “I’m just waiting on your mom. I had a feeling you might get home before she did, so I thought I’d wait for you.” Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a lie.

“Where’s mom? She’s always here when I get home.” Reilly unlocked the front door, and I waited for her to enter before following her inside, my eyes searching for any sign of Roma.

“She had a few things to do,” I would stick by that story unless things really took a turn for the worse. I was praying that Roma was simply out walking, but much darker thoughts were trying to push their way forward. What if something had happened to her? Reilly said she was always home when she got out of school, but not today. I tried to ignore those fears, preferring to just think of the woman I was in love just needing a little fresh air, “Do you have homework?” I questioned, needing to move onto safer ground with Reilly.

“Yeah. Math,” Her expression showed her distain, “I’m not very good at it, Uncle Johnny.”

“Would you like me to help?”

Reilly’s face lit up happily as she nodded her head and threw her arms around me in a warm hug, “I’m so glad you’ve come back.”

There was tightness in my throat as I held her tightly. Yes, I was so glad I had found them too, but I had no idea what I would do if just after being reunited for a day, I was to lose Roma again, “Me too, sweetie.”

“Let me grab a snack and then we’ll get started,” She chirped before dashing out to the kitchen.

I took that time to look hopefully out the window, for any sign of the little Irish actress.

There was none.

Roma POV

I never thought I would feel relieved to see John walking away from me, but when he excused himself and left me alone for a few minutes, I must confess that my heart was ten times lighter. That kind, loving friend had always been one of the few people who I felt totally comfortable with, the one to whom I would always open my heart. But now... now I just felt so ashamed and awkward that I had no idea how I would ever face John again so, without thinking twice, I paid the bill and rushed away from the restaurant as if I was some kind of fugitive.

I walked along the streets of Salt Lake not sure of what to do. I had wanted to kiss him for so long, and then suddenly he had been there, so close... And before I had even realized what had happened, we were acting like a couple of valentines. What was I thinking? How could I just let myself go with the moment like a teenager? John may have someone back in California... What if he's seeing another girl? What if he wants nothing from me but my friendship?

Sighing deeply, I stopped wandering and glanced at the watch: Reilly would be home in a bit more than an hour, and I didn't want my baby daughter to arrive from school without my being there. So I hailed for a cab and told the driver my address. With tears in the corner of my eyes, I still looked through the windowpane, and my heart was filled with a terrible sensation of guilt for leaving John like that.

***

Traffic was particularly complicated at this time of the day - kids are returning home from school, adults are coming back from work, and the streets become quite crowded. The taxi driver turned to look at me and offered an alternative way to get at my house, and I quickly accepted it. Escaping from the world and returning to the shelter I had created six months ago had become a priority now. I sighed deeply as the man maneuvered the vehicle through the city streets and thought about John. I wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to see me again after what I did.

My dearest friend remained in my thoughts on the next following minutes, along with happy memories of the time we acted in the show. All the times we danced together, or chatted for hours during filming breaks were precious and these days they were some of the fewest things that filled my heart with an inch of joy. But these images were suddenly interrupted by the noise of car breaks filling up the air. The loud crash that came after it was heard at a good distance and the next thing I knew was that I was immediately thrown to the front due to the strong impact.

***

When I woke up I was dizzy and confused, but I could clearly remember hearing many voices around me, and there was a rush to take me somewhere along a white, cold corridor. Where was I now? Where were they taking me? Reilly was the next person that came to my mind and I felt like standing up from that stretcher and rushing home as fast as possible, as my baby daughter would probably be home by now. I felt another panic attack was about to start but before I knew it, I felt a gentle hand caressing my hair and the sweetest of the voices speaking close to my ear.

"Angel? Can you hear me?"

For a few moments I thought it was a dream - that all that had happened to me during the day was part of a wonderful dream. But then, the voice became clearer as I regained consciousness, and a pair of sparkling green eyes was the first thing that I saw. John was frowning with deep concern and I realized that I had to say something otherwise he would be the one to panic.

"John..."

"Roma? Angel, are you alright? How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?" came the avalanche of questions, and felt him taking my hand and squeezing it tightly.

"I... I don't know what happened..." I whispered, and then I felt my heart beat faster, "Reilly!"

"She's right there, Angel..." John quickly put my heart at ease (he always did anyway). My baby daughter was sleeping on the sofa right next to my bed, and I immediately heaved a sigh of relief to see her there.

I gave a quick look at my surroundings and then gazed back at him with questioning eyes, "What... happened?"

"You had an accident, Roma. A car hit the taxi you were in..." he quickly informed, and I took my hand to my temple, as it hurt a bit.

"You hit your head and hurt your foot. I was with Reilly when the hospital called your home using the number on your cell phone. I... I didn't know where to find you, so I went to your house, and Reilly arrived from school sometime later. I was helping her with the homework then..."

I felt so ashamed that even the terrible headache I was feeling at the moment was better than having to face John again. I ran away from him, from my beloved John, and now he was there, standing right before my eyes and staring at me as if searching for an explanation to my pathetic behavior. Desperately avoiding his gaze, and feeling my heart pounding loudly in my chest, I lowered my head and let the tears fall from my eyes and roll on my cheeks.

But John didn't let me forget the wonderful man he was: with infinite care, he wrapped one of his arms around my shoulders and lay a hand even so lightly against my cheek, placing my head against his chest. I immediately felt relaxed with his soft touch, and grabbed at his jacket secretly begging him to never go away.

John's POV

I only could breath again when I saw Roma's eyes open again. Everything seemed like a total nightmare from the moment she disappeared from the restaurant up to the moment I got the call about her being injured. This couldn't be but a bad dream: after all the time it had taken me to find her again, was I now going to lose her?

The worst part had been to face Reilly's scared eyes. I had only seen that deep fear, that terror of being left alone once before in my life... when Roma had told me he was asking David for the divorce. I felt a knot forming in my throat when I knelt by Reilly's side and explained her her mom was in hospital because of a car crash. The fact that she didn't cry nor showed any sign of breaking down didn't help me to remain calm, much on the contrary it lead me directly to wonder how would she reacted if my deepest fear came true.

Reilly awaited patiently with me, just leaning against me while they took Roma to her room after working on her in the ER. I took her to the cafeteria to have her eating something at night, and finally the stress wore her out and she fell asleep in my arms. That was when I felt more lonely than ever in the night. The love of my life, the only woman that lived in my heart was lying in that bed in front of me fighting for her life; and her daughter, the little girl that should be my own daughter too, seemed to be in shock too, the accident being just the last thing she needed to deal with in her still young life.

The silence of the night, only broken by the beeping of the monitors, allowed me to think about where I had led my life. When I had first found Roma's painting, my main priority had been to find her again; when I had found her, it had changed to make her smile again, to make her feel how loved she was... That morning I had spoiled everything.

I had been surprised by Roma's impulse. When I felt her lips barely grazing mine, everything on me begged me to let the moment go on, to kiss her the way I had dreamed for years, so tenderly and passionately she would never ever doubt she was everything for me. And yet my mind had reacted in the opposite way, thinking it was taking advantage of her, using her weak state of mind to get what I wanted to and fearing she would back up and shut me off forever. In a sense I had been right: when I backed away, she just ran, escaping from me and what she had obviously read as my rejection. How wrong she was... yet, it had led her to an accident that now put her own life in risk.

I allowed my tears to finally take form and run across my cheeks when I had found myself alone with Roma in the middle of the dark of that room. I took her little hand and brought it to my lips, kissing it lightly, murmuring words of love I would never dare to say out loud. Yet I needed to say them or they would close my throat up till I couldn't breath anymore. I prayed as I hadn't done in years, wondering if God was really hearing me or if I had to cry out loud and beg Him to listen to my requests and heal her soon. There was not a way I could've lived without her.

I lost the track of the time I spent there, just holding her hand, drinking in all her features I missed so much. Like in a film, I remembered the nine years we spent together, the times we laughed and had fun, the long chats in between scenes, the parties with the rest of the staff... and of course, the bad times I was with her, when she just fell asleep in my arms after crying her eyes out at night...

It was past midnight when she finally blinked lightly and my heart beat faster. I called her lightly, caressing her face so she would open her eyes. When she finally looked at me, i felt my heart coming back to my chest. She was conscious again and it meant she would be just fine. Nothing else mattered to me!

“Baby? Roma? Angel, are you alright? How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?” I asked her, and I read all the flood of emotions in her doe-like eyes. She was ashamed and I guess she didn't want to see me, less of all in those conditions, but I couldn't care less. All that was important to me was that she was alive. The rest I would figure it out later...

Still I knew she was upset and ashamed, and I could feel it all the day long, while we waited for the doctor to release her from hospital. The order came in the afternoon, so it was almost dinner time when we arrived to her house. The almost inaudible “thank you” she whispered when I carried her in my arms to her bed spoke volumes to me, just as the way she looked away of me when I tried to stand her gaze.

“You don't need to stay, Johnnie...” she tried to make me go, “Reilly and I will manage somehow...”

“No way,” I stated. “Reilly needs to go to the school and you cannot be jumping your way all around the house. You need to rest and I'll see you rest!” She blushed lightly, but enough for me to notice it. She always surprised me, always made me wonder what was in her heart and mind. In this case, if she was feeling ashamed around me, I dared to imagine it was because of the way she had left me in the restaurant, but I also wondered, could it be that her feelings had changed and she had started to see me in more than a friendly way?

I kissed her forehead lightly, not daring to look at her eyes. Then I went to the kitchen and got busy with dinner. Reilly was a very good assistant, and we managed to give Roma a nice meal, in spite of the circumstances and the short time we had to prepare it.

Then bed time came.

Reilly was happy to have me at home and she begged me not to leave. When I turned to ask Roma for her opinion, the intensity in her sight made me tremble inside. I could easily tell what she was thinking about, that I would be too close all night long for her to clear her mind and understand what was going on with her. “Please, stay, Johnnie...” she murmured at last, and I reached to take her hand and kissed it lovingly. “I was not leaving anyway... The only difference was that I wouldn't take your spare bedroom, but your couch...”

I tucked Reilly in that night and she fell asleep with a wide smile in her face. Then I went to do the same with her mother, to tuck her in bed like she was my little girl. I saw her taking the pain killers for her broken leg, and moving to find a comfortable position for the cast. “Sleep tight, angel...” I murmured and reached to cup her face. “If you need something, please call me. I'm here to help you...” She had closed her eyes under my touch and, unconsciously I guess, she leaned against my palm. She was so close to me that I could feel the warmth of her breathing over my skin.

“What did I do to deserve a friend like you, John?” she asked at the end. “I've been so ungrateful lately...”

I silenced her with my thumb grazing her lips lightly. “Forget about it, ok? I care so much about you that there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you...”

Her breath raced a little, I could notice the swift in her emotions in the way she kept on looking at me that I had to fight my will to lean over and kiss her on the lips. “I love you, baby...” I murmured and reached to kiss her cheek long and lovingly.

The sigh she released, as if that kiss was nothing but frustrating, was the last push I needed to make my final decision. The last two days had been confusing, but at the same time enlightening. She was dealing with new feelings she didn't know how to manage, and they were confusing to me to but I was sure of one thing.

I only knew that if I had failed once in making her love me, this time I would succeed.

*****

Roma’s POV

I awoke in the morning still feeling exhausted and my entire body ached. A look at the clock told me that Reilly would have already left for school and a pang of guilt went through me at the thought. I should have been awake to see her off to school, just like I always was. It felt as if my entire world, shaky as it had been before, was now falling down around me. In the course of less than two days, I had both found and lost the love of my life, run away like an embarrassed child and had turned Reilly’s life upside down because of the accident. My daughter needed a mother who was there for her, not one who was stuck in bed because of her erratic behavior.

I inched my way up in bed, wincing at the pain in my ankle and then I eyed the crutches beside my bed with hesitation. Slow movement to avoid pain as much as possible was a must, though the doctor had said that in a few days, the pain from the fracture would subside. Standing up shakily, with all my weight on my left foot, I reached for the crutches, determined to be able to fend for myself. But I was scarcely a hop away from the bed when my head began to spin, causing me to lose my balance. Luckily, I managed to fall onto the bed, but not without a cry of pain escaping me.

“Roma!” The sound of John’s voice caused me to force back my pain-filled tears, as I managed to sit up, biting back another cry. A second later, he was kneeling in front of me, his hands wrapped around my own.

“Angel, are you all right? Why didn’t you call me? God, baby, you’re as white as a ghost.” In his eyes I could see so much worry for my pain and I had to lower my eyes, unable to face it.

“I was okay, but I got dizzy is all, John.” I knew he had to strain to hear me and then even though my eyes remained downcast, I could feel his tender gaze on me. How I longed to burst into tears and allow him to hold me tightly and protectively, but instead, I blinked them back once more when his finger beneath my chin lifted my eyes to his.

“The doctor said that would happen because of your head injury, sweetie. Please, promise you’ll call me next time.”

My emotions were so close to the surface that all I could do was nod my head, not trusting myself to speak, knowing that if I tried, my voice would be trembling. But the intensity of John’s gaze was enough to make my entire body tremble.

“Angel, please…talk to me,” His hand moved to my cheek and I was unable to help but to close my eyes, even as a tear escaped and slid down between his fingers.

“I can’t…” The words were merely a whisper, but all I could manage. I couldn’t tell him what was in my heart, because it wouldn’t change anything. John didn’t love me. Either that or there was someone else in his life and I couldn’t bear to feel more foolish than I already did.

“Baby, please,” His voice was pleading, “You’ve always been able to talk to me before. Roma, nothing has changed.”

“Everything’s changed…” my voice caught in a sob and a heartbeat later, my wish to be protected in his arms was granted. It was only then that my tears fell freely.

“Let me tell you what hasn’t changed, Angel, no matter what you are thinking,” John’s voice was soft and soothing and my fragile heart clung to each and every word, “I am always going to be here for you. Always. Do you know why? Because, you are so worth it, baby. I’m not going to give up until we find your smile again. I promise you that.”

I closed my eyes tightly as a quiet sob escaped me. How I wished I could tell him that my smile lied in his eyes and that my happiness could only be found in his arms, but I couldn’t bear anymore disappointment.

“Oh baby,” He kissed the top of my head and I could hear the sadness in his voice, “How I wish I had been here for you. So much would be different, Roma.”

His words just caused more pain to flood into my heart as they were further proof that things would never be as different as I needed them to be.

John's POV

If there was any doubt in my mind about the way my beloved Roma felt about me, those questionings were shattered on that very morning. My heart was so full at the realization that she was dealing with all those new emotions and feelings, and at the same time I felt so sorry at the visible confusion in her soft brown eyes. But I could wait - I have been waiting for over ten years, and when I thought I had lost the love of my life forever, she came back to me like in a good dream, and there wasn't anything in this world that would make me lose her again.

I watched in silence as she ate the small breakfast I prepared her but judging by the way she toyed with the food in her plate, I soon realized she wasn't hungry. I stood up from the chair and sat down at the edge of the bed, "Angel, you shouldn't push yourself into eating."

She looked at me with so much guilt that it broke my heart. "I'm sorry..."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about, sweetie. The medicines you're taking are probably causing this lack of appetite. But you'll get rid of them soon, you'll see." I offered her a smile and removed the tray from her bed, and when I looked back at her I saw her sad eyes staring outside the window.

On the following second, an idea crossed my mind, and I reached for her robe. "Roma... I want you to put this on..."

She looked at me with a questioning expression on her face, but I didn't even give her time to reply or to think about it.

***

"John... I really don't think this was necessary..." Roma's blushing face was nothing less than adorable to me, and to my delight, I could notice an "almost smile" playing in the corner of her lips, those same lips I was longing to kiss. Despite her protests, I waited for her to dress up her robe and took her in my arms, and carried her with me along the house. She was still telling me that she didn't want to cause me more trouble that she already had, but when she wrapped her arms around my neck, I just felt intoxicated with her sweet perfume, and couldn't help but smile.

"You need to take a look at your garden, don't you think so?"

I took her up to the front porch and with all my care, I lay her on the armchair that existed there. Before Roma could say something else, I rushed inside the house and took a chair and a pillow so that she could rest her leg on, and only then I took a seat by her side.

"You didn't have to do it, John, I-"

I held her hand into mine. "There's no way I'd leave you locked up inside that bedroom all day long, Roma."

Once again, I was caught up in her gaze, and we were so close to each other it was difficult not to take my eyes away from hers.

"Thank you..." she said, with a grateful look in her eyes. I raised my hand to caress her cheek, and noticing as nervousness clouded over her face I tried to joke, "When you need a ride around the garden, just let me know, ok?"

The tiny smile that I saw on her face just made my day, and I was about to say something else but the words died in my mouth when, surprisingly, she leaned against me and rested her head on my shoulder. I limited myself to wrap my arm around her small shoulders and enjoy the moment. Words were not needed here, as they could not express what I was feeling inside.

***

I don't know exactly how long Roma and I stood there, quietly enjoying each other's company. The smell of her sweet perfume kept on intoxicating me and the warmth of her body so close to mine were everything I was aware of for the past half hour. Almost like an automatic movement, I started to caress her hair and I felt her snuggling closer to me, somewhat in an unconscious movement. Nothing could be more perfect, and we spent a few long pleasant minutes there, until a taxi being parked in front of the house called our attention.

"But who is it?" Roma spoke, frowning a little, and I immediately stood up, somewhat guided by my protective instincts towards her. But our questions disappeared on the following second when we saw who got off the car. I quickly opened the front gate and, after giving me a tight embrace (and with a surprised expression on her face), Della rushed towards Roma, crossing the garden and holding her for long minutes. The old lady we've been so fond of reminded me of a mother who hadn't seen her daughter for a very long time.

"I missed you so much..." my dear Roma spoke, and I could notice the presence of tears in her soft brown eyes.

"I missed you too, baby!" And only a long minute later did she pull away, and her eyes turned from Roma and me, "I missed you both so much... I can't even believe we're all here together again..." she held my hand and I knelt next to the armchair. "I can't believe it either! It seemed so impossible..."

"But nothing is impossible to God, of that I'm sure!" Then, she turned to face Roma, with the all her concern, "Baby, what happened to you? When I phoned here and Lovejuice told me what had happened I just picked the first plane to Salt Lake!"

"Please, be calm, Della, it wasn't anything serious..." Roma replied, not wanting to scare her dear friend.

"What? Nothing serious? Baby, look at this, you broke a leg!"

"But I'm fine, I'm taking the proper medication... Please, you don't need to be nervous..." she took Della's hands in her own, but the old lady had traits in her personality that I'm sure she inherited from Tess.

"The only thing that stops me from being more nervous than I already am is the fact that Lovejuice is here taking care of you!"

Roma's lips curved into a slight smile and she looked at me. "Yes... Since he found me here in Salt Lake, Johnny has taken his previous job as a protector... a little bit exaggerated sometimes!"

"I'm at your service, Miss Downey!" I replied, and the way Della kept on turning her eyes from me to Roma didn't escape me. Despite her worry about Roma's accident, there was a hint of contentment all over her face and in her eyes.

"I have no doubt about it!" she finally spoke, and Roma invited her to come inside the house where they could talk more comfortably. I took Della's suitcases and then I returned to carry my beloved Irish actress in my arms along the way, under Della's attentive and curious eyes.

****

ROMA'S POV

I guess no one was more thrilled at the fact that we were all together again than Reilly. When she came back from school and saw her “grand mother” at home, she ran to her and didn't let go of Della's hand all afternoon. To take her to her bed was almost as difficult as in Christmas when she was three years old and she wanted to wait for Santa Claus. Only John managed to convince her when she was fighting with her eyelids that had grown so heavy that she couldn't stop rubbing them.

I marveled at the fact that after all the years we've been apart, those two still were so close. For many years John had been the father he didn't have to be to Reilly, and I was eternally grateful for that. Every time I saw John giving Reilly a piggy back, a sob caught in my throat for the tenderness that invaded me. Now, Reilly was a bit too big for a piggy back, but John's love for her wasn't a bit smaller, so with a fast movement, he caught my daughter in his arms and carried her upstairs just like he had done with me in the morning.

Della caught me still looking at the stairs and only then I remembered how easily my friend could read what was on my mind. “What?” I asked more to break the silence than to actually say something. In that moment I felt just like Monica in the very early days, when the screenwriters would write her so innocent that she was almost silly.

“You still love him...” she stated simply.

I felt my face growing hot and red, and looked away, just avoiding Della's gaze. It was killing me not to shout it out loud, to tell everybody I was in love with that man and I wanted him more than anyone in this world. He would make my world complete.

“Roma?” she insisted, and only then I dared to turn to look at her, my tears falling freely already.

“But he doesn't love me back, Della...”

“What? That's nonsense!” she said but I was shaking my head when she asked.

“I kissed him, Della... and he pulled away immediately. He doesn't love... Not the way I love him anyway...” I explained, and in a way, saying it out loud helped me release some of the pain I had inside, yet it made it more and more clear to me: John didn't love me back.

“Roma, that's not possible...”

“He pulled away, Della!” I said crying openly now. “It is the truth just as this cast I have on my leg now! We went to have lunch and I don't know why I just leaned over and kissed him very lightly on the lips... After the long night talking, when he had heard me confessing all my deepest fears and telling him how my life's been senseless since TBAA was over... I was confident of telling him all these things... and I guess I got a little carried away with the mood... I thought my biggest dream was coming true when he appeared in my front gate! I thought he was back to my life because God wanted us together at last! Only that I was wrong, so wrong!”

I started to cry openly and Della pulled me to hug me, just like she had done so many times in the past, in those 10 years we worked together. That's why she had so easily taken my mother's place when it came to trusting another woman with what happened to me.

“Roma”, Della told me after a long minute, still combing my hair, “I'm sure John loves you the way you love him!”

“No, he doesn't...” I murmured still fighting away my tears.

“Did he tell you so?”

“Not with words, but with actions...” I argued.

“With actions he has told you he loves you a million times! No man would do what he has done for you if he wasn't in love like a fool! Roma, he's been there for you asking for nothing but a smile in reply! He's been a father to your daughter and a confident for you all the times you've both needed him! Now you want more of him, you're ready for this... And I bet he is too...” my friend tried to reason with me, but I wasn't willing to accept it. Somehow it seemed easy to convince myself he didn't love me the way I did, to blame him of us not being together than to overcome my fear of losing him. At that time I was sure I had lost him when Monica had disappeared.

“I don't think so, Della... I told you, he pulled away of my kissing... I think that speaks volumes of how he feels about me...” I undid my hold on my friend and tried to dry my eyes.

“You're so wrong, Roma...” another voice said at my back and I was sure my legs would have failed me had I been standing up. My heartbeat raced with the softness of that voice, that softness I had dreamed about so much recently, hearing it in my dreams, telling me the things I so longed to hear from him. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to keep my breathing in check so I wouldn't panic. I couldn't move to face him, and that made the time seem longer than usual.

“I guess this is my cue to go to bed too...” Della said and stood up. “And this is your cue for a serious talking... Just remember there's not such a thing as coincidence and that it is not a random act that you two came back to this place...” She leaned down to kiss my head, like she would to with Reilly. “I shall see you in the morning... G'night, Love juice..”

“Night, Della...” I heard him reply and then her footsteps climbing up the stairs. I felt him move behind me, walking the last few steps that separated us, he moved the chair where Della had been sitting closer to me and sit down. He reached to take my hands and the mere contact of his skin over mine made me shudder. I lifted my sight slowly, afraid of what I would find in his green eyes.

And what I found there just took my breath away.

Love. It was love.

John’s POV

As I reached for her hands, Roma looked like a frightened doe who would have fled had she been able. As her eyes met mine, I could see so much pain and fear but just below that was a tiny glimmer of hope. I knew I had to proceed carefully for despite the confession I had just heard from her, everything about Roma was still so delicate. She had been alone for so long and before that, her last husband had made her feel worthless and though I had longed for years to show her just how precious she was, it was still going to be hard for her to accept it. Not to mention that she had spent the last two days convincing herself that I didn’t love her…

I struggled to control my rapid heartbeat as I tried to decide where to begin, but it was Roma who spoke first.

“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” Her voice was a whisper as she lowered her dark, tear filled eyes.

“But I’m very glad I did,” I insisted quickly, giving her hands a gentle squeeze, “Now I can tell you how wrong you are.”

I watched as she bit the inside of her lip in an effort not to burst into tears, but her next words trembled just the same and were filled with self distain, “You pulled away, John…I know you did. Please, don’t lie to me…I couldn’t bear…”

I moved as quickly as I could to kneel on the floor in front of her, needing to see her eyes. I ducked my head and her brown pools met mine briefly as tears began to slide down her pale cheeks, “Angel, listen to me. The other day in the restaurant I was convinced that it was me kissing you and when I realized what was happening, I pulled away because I didn’t want to take advantage of you and of how vulnerable you are right now. We hadn’t seen each other in three years, baby, and-.”

“And all that time you were all I could think about!” She burst out as sobs began to escape her, “About how much I missed you and about how I had run away from the only person who seemed to really care about me…and about how I always mess things up and you were just one more thing…”

My heart ached as her pain poured out in the way of words and tears and I moved once more to sit on the sofa next to her in order to draw her into my arms, being careful of her ankle. Tucking her head beneath my chin, I held her gently, my heart swelling with love as she buried her face against my shirt, “Roma, my sweet little angel,” I whispered against her hair, “You weren’t ready, baby, that’s all.”

“But I ran away! I let you go!” She was crying hard enough to cause me to worry. She had been living in the past for so long and it was going to be hard to get her to let go of it. She had always blamed herself for things; Her failed marriages, mistakes she had made.

“But I’m here now,” I whispered, pulling away enough to cup her chin in my hand, forcing her to face me, “And I promise you that you are no longer alone, sweetheart, and you never will be again. I love you, Roma. I have loved you for so long and now that I’ve found you again, I’m never going to let you go.”

Her breathing still hitched as she searched my eyes, as if trying to make sure I was telling her the absolute truth, “Johnny…”

As she uttered my name, I swallowed my nervousness as my eyes focused on her lips. I was unable to stay away from them a moment longer, but I still reminded myself to be careful. I heard a soft sigh escape her as my lips brushed up against hers, gently and tenderly caressing her, “I love you,” I repeated, our faces only a breath apart, “I have always loved you.” I moved to kiss away the tears that were falling so freely from her eyes.

“Please tell me I’m not dreaming, Johnny,” My precious Roma whispered and I could still see her uncertainty.

“You’re not dreaming, Angel,” I replied as my fingertips grazed her face lovingly.

“I might need you to tell me that a few more hundred times.”

“I will say it a million times if that is what you need.” I assured her, “I won’t stop until you believe this is real.”

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes, even as a small smile played on her lips, “I want to believe it. I love you so much. You’ve always meant so much to me, Johnny and when I lost you…I lost part of myself…”

A finger to her lips silenced her, “That’s all in the past, baby. Don’t live there any longer, Roma, please. There’s so much pain there and I hate to see you hurting so deeply. We’re going to move forward together. I promise you that.”

She looked at me for a long moment before she inched her face nearer to mine, slowly and tentatively, a bit like a frightened child who wants nothing more but to not be afraid any longer. As our lips met, Roma tilted her head back slightly, allowing me to deepen the kiss, and I felt my heart soar.

When we parted a moment later, she rested her head against my chest once more and though I could almost sense that her heart was lighter than it had been in a long time, I could also feel her weariness.

“I think it’s time one little angel girl was in bed,” I stated softly before I scooped her into my arms with the utmost care and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom. The pain medications were doing their job as she was nearly asleep when I laid her down on the bed and covered her with the quilt. I brushed my lips against her forehead as I whispered, “Only sweet dreams, my angel.”

I started to leave the room when I heard her call out my name softly. Turning around I was met with her pleading doe eyes.

“Please, John…stay here tonight,” She bit her lower lip, showing her uncertainty, “I just…I want to feel you close to me…I know it doesn’t make any sense but…”

Without another word, I walked over to the other side of her bed and got in next to her as I carefully wrapped her up in my embrace, “It makes perfect sense, baby and there is nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Moving to rest her head against me, she closed her eyes, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Roma…forever.”

Roma's POV

It was all dark and confusing, but there was one thing I knew for sure: I was alone. My little girl, the man I love and the woman I had adopted as a mother were gone now and the pain their absence left in my heart was too much to bear. It made me want to cry, to scream with agony. But to my greatest despair, I was unable to utter a sound. It seemed my world had disappeared forever and now I was drowning in dark tormented waters, with no one to rescue me.

My life has always been like this: all the ones I love end up going away, leaving me to grieve over their loss during endless nights. Sorrow and pain have been permanent companions along my life since I was very little. First, I watched my mother go when I was way too young to understand this world. Then, ten years later, after much suffering, I had to say goodbye to my father. I never forgot his words. "If you can bear this suffering, you can bear everything." After two unsuccessful marriages, David's abuse and my nearly losing my baby daughter, I thought he was right. But then I had to watch the only man I truly loved walk away from my life on that day in the desert, when we last shot TBAA. It was then that I started to doubt my father's words. Never happiness had been so close to me like when God sent John to stand by my side. But I was too blind to see it, and now he was gone.

All my beloved ones were gone.

But then, all of a sudden, I heard a voice whispered in my ear - a familiar and dear voice coming from a far away place, somewhat breaking the veil of darkness that covered my eyes. On the following seconds, the gentle touch of a hand on my shoulder made my erratic heartbeats diminish slowly, and although I couldn't fully understand what was going on, I started to feel lighter and able to breath again.

With a quick movement, I opened my eyes, and before I could say a word, John's soothing voice quickly reached my ears.

"Roma? Angel, wake up!"

I looked around me for brief moments and realized I was in my bedroom, lying in my comfortable bed and most importantly in the arms of my beloved John. Then, I turned my eyes to him and the soft dim light coming from the bedside lamp allowed me to see the concern in those sparkling green pools.

"John..." I raised my trembling hand and touched his cheek, unconsciously trying to confirm his image lying by my side was real.

With infinite tenderness, he covered my hand with his and kissed my palm, "You had a bad dream, Angel."

His soothing voice, which contrasted with my frightened and crying one, caused a wave of peace to invade my heart. Still, I let a stubborn tear fall from my scared eyes. "You were gone... Everybody was gone, and I was all alone..."

"Shh... Let's forget it, Angel..." he held me tightly against his body, being extremely careful due to the bruises in my skin - as if he could ever hurt me! When I rested my head against his chest, he spoke again, "You're surrounded by the people who love you. Our little angel and your 'adopted' mother are both sleeping peacefully in their rooms. And I was here with you all the time, watching you sleep."

I decided to do what he was asking me: for a moment, I closed my eyes and tried to forget that nightmare, focusing on the soft movement of his fingers running through my hair. But then another memory came to my mine: the kiss John and I shared in the living room on that same night, and the loving words we spoke to each other. For a moment, I panicked, wondering if that had been nothing but another dream.

The light contact of his lips with my forehead made all my absurd doubts go away, though, and then I raised my head to look at him. "Were you here all the time?"

"Yes," he replied, tucking a few strands of hair behind my ear, "And you were sleeping like an angel. I'd never get enough of your image!"

His warm smile brought so much happiness to my heart that it started to beat faster again, but now for a much more pleasant reason - and for a moment I thought I wasn't deserving of such a feeling.

"What happened before... in the living room..." My mouth betrayed me. I didn't mean to be so straightforward, but he gently interrupted me, with a reassuring look in his eyes, "It was real, Roma. As real as my love for you!"

Still fearing to hurt me, as much absurd and impossible it sounded, he moved my body in a way I was now lying on my back and resting my head on a pillow. Then, he leaned on his elbow so he could face me, but never let go of his loving embrace around my shoulders and waist.

Then, searching my eyes for any sign of reluctance, and finding nothing but my wish to be in his arms forever, he bent his head and brushed his lips with mine. At first, it was a soft, tender caress, as ethereal as a good dream. But, as I raised my hand to touch his handsome face, he pressed his lips more firmly onto mine, and we shared that caress, as sweet and special as the first one.

Our loving kiss was only broke to be transformed in tiny other ones. John kissed my forehead, my eyelids and the tip of my nose, before pecking my lips once again.

"How can you love me, Johnny?" I asked him, once he pulled away only a few inches, looking deep inside my eyes.

"How could I not love you, Roma, if you've been my everything for the last twelve years?"

Hearing his words brought tears of emotion to my eyes, and I stifled a sob. "My heart is so full now that... I'm afraid, John. Afraid that it could all be over someday... Afraid of not deserving you-"

"No! Roma, Angel, please tell me something..." he made a short pause, and then went on talking, "If I ask you, could you grant me one wish?"

"Yes... But... what is it?"

"Trust me?"

I caressed his jaw and my fingertips touched his lips, "I trust you with my very soul..."

He covered my hand and kissed my palm once again, "Then believe me when I say you deserve nothing less than a life filled with happiness and love, much love, sweetie, a lot more than you've received along these years. And I promise you I'll strive for it every single day of my own life." He smiled briefly, "It'll be my permanent assignment!"

As he saw my smile as a reply, John concluded his thoughts, "Will you give me this honor?"

Shedding a few more tears, but also unable to hide the smile that broke on my crying face, I nodded my head. "You've already started to fulfil this assignment, Johnny... You started it a long time ago..." I said, and after another loving kiss and a whispered 'I love you,' John guided me back to his arms, so that I could rest against his chest.

****

John's POV

If I had to choose only one moment of my entire life to live it again, it would be that morning. I lazily opened my eyes to the soft light that was already bathing the room. It was Saturday, there was no rush to go anywhere, not even to take Reilly to school. But what made that morning so special was where I had woken up, and most importantly who I had woken up with.

This had only happened in my dreams. My right arm was numb and I couldn't feel it, but I would've gladly given it up just for the heavenly image I had when I opened my eyes.

The only woman I had ever loved was sleeping in my arms.

Just a second later, I was invaded by a soft essence of flowers emanating from her hair, that was spread over the pillow and so close to my face. Her face reflected a peace of mind that I knew now she hadn't had in the long years we've been apart, and that fact made me feel somehow proud. I would always look after her, I would do anything to make all her days as close to perfect as possible.

I don't know how long I stayed there, just looking at her, lost in her beauty. My hands ached to feel her soft skin, so I reached to graze her jaw line, barely touching her as if she was made of thin glass, the light contact racing my heartbeats to the roof. God, she was so beautiful! She was the biggest blessing I could ask for.

She stirred lightly, and I couldn't help but caress her face again. “Hello, beautiful”, I murmured and looked at her. She was still too sleepy, so she covered her eyes with her forearm. I heard her mumbling some sleeping sounds, sounds that would've made me laugh hadn't it been such a special moment. “Did you sleep well?” I asked, my caresses getting a bit bolder as now I was stroking her arm up and down.

She smiled openly now, her brown eyes shining when she looked at me. “Am I in heaven?” she asked and I chuckled at her response.

“I am the one who is in Heaven, angel...” I said seriously, and after a long second looking straight to her brown eyes, I leaned down to kiss her deeply, a long, slow kiss that felt like a real dream for me. The way she answered to my kiss surprised me even more, and all my nerves set on fire as she moved her arms to my back pulling me closer to her. “Yes, I am in Heaven...” I murmured breathlessly when we broke apart.

“Who would've told us we would finally be together?” my beloved Roma said leaning against my palm. “I was so sure you were gone for good, that you were nothing but a memory in my life now...”

I reached to lift her chin so I could meet her eyes. “I'm here forever, baby. I'm back to where I belong...” I saw her eyes still wondering if it was the truth or not. “I have loved you forever...”

A lonely tear crossed her cheek and she closed her eyes. “If I could turn the time back, I wouldn't make so many mistakes...” she murmured. “I could've been so happy had I only realized before David...”

I placed a finger over her lips to stop her. “Shh... We cannot go back in time, baby, but we have the future ahead, and most important, we have the present, we have us right now. I have you here, in my arms, I'm with you and there's nothing that can take us apart...”

“I feel I love you more with every breath, John... Tell me I'm not still asleep, please?”

I could read so much hope behind those hazel eyes that I couldn't fight a smile at her request. She looked like an 8 year old girl that has gotten the bike she so wanted for Christmas and fears it might disappear into thin air. “No, you are not sleeping, though you are my sweetest dream come true, Roma Downey, and I, baby, I will be your dream and your fantasies... We belong together, God wants us together or He would never allow us to share this moment...”

That was one of those moments when words cannot explain what you feel or what you want to say. I couldn't take my eyes off Roma. She was as beautiful as she was twelve years ago, when I had first met her in the forum of the Moon water studio. I smiled tenderly when I remembered what she, playing Monica, had told me in the second chapter we had filmed together.

“What?” my beloved Roma asked curiously.

“I was remembering something you once told me... or rather Monica...” I replied stroking her cheek. “In the second chapter we filmed, when Monica asks Andrew to get a special dispensation for the man that is dying...”

“Yes?”

“Monica tells Andrew that sometimes God's answer to His child's requests is yes, sometimes it's no, and some other times it is not yet... I guess the third case was me dreaming about you when we first met...” I was so absorbed in her beauty and in the fact that I was lying by her side that I leaned over again almost unconsciously. I started to kiss her cheeks and her forehead tenderly, my heartbeats racing wildly at the little sounds she made in reply to my kisses. “But this time... my answer was yes...”

Our eyes met again and I had the confirmation of that answer. Yes. God had heard my request.

Some things just never change

To be honest, I cannot say that I hope you’re enjoying it there, because your place is right here! And I’m writing to let you know that maybe there’s a character for you by the end of this summer. And the forwarded message is just to prove you that your fans are still waiting for you.

Out of character